Prophecy (not mine) – something very special, yet highly emotive

In the days after Maria's passing, I would think every now and then about a prophecy that Maria had received at a conference in 2006. I had never heard it, but knew that Maria had a CD that contained the audio at the time.

I was chatting to our dear friend Doreen (who was with Maria that night and out of all the people, was also one of the few people spoken to). Doreen asked me about the CD.

Tonight it all came back to me, so I dug around and listened to it for the first time. It was amazingly emotional for me to do that. It blew me away also because as I listened to the lead-up and subsequent to when she spoke with Maria, but it was at the time she made Maria stand and spoke over her that the spirit released this sister's words in a powerful way. Feel free to listen for yourself, by clicking the link, followed by the image of Maria in an armchair, or directly via http://www.kaizik.com/journey/Music_favs_files/Maria_VCF.wav

I have started to pray over what it all meant (Maria would occasionally mention it while we were overseas).

A dear friend called just after I had listened to it for the first time. She wisely said that the prophecy (if it's truly prophetic) will be revealed but not always in the way we expect. Having listened to it again, I already have experienced some deeper understanding of it (I have goosebumps as I type).

I have cut the relevant excerpt and uploaded it to the website. For the Christian contingent out there who were close to Maria, I'd love for you to listen to it and give me some interpretation of your own to see what aligns with my thoughts.

Tue 30-Mar-10 (work, Ben, juxtaposed emotions)

It's now after 12:30am and I have just finished work for tonight. I didn't get to start until nearly 9:30pm as Ben needed one-on-one time, which meant reading him an entire Asterix book and chatting. He is a little emotional at present.

Quick summary of the day so I can get some sleep:

• Prayer time with Ben's teacher was encouraging.
• Work day in the office went well.
• Two workplace assessors came to examine my home work areas and to make certain recommendations.
• As mentioned, some emotions from the kids this evening, especially Ben, about missing Maria.

There is a real juxtaposition between my emotions where I am witnessing God's miraculous power firsthand through the healing and restoration of others, against the harsh realisation that part of the reason for these "events" is Maria's illness and my continued recording of our journey. So many things have happened in the last week that have been mind-blowing to me as a Christian, but not to have Maria to share it with or for her to see the fruits, can at times be crushing. Thankfully He is there to pick me up and continue to carry me. 

Further to the previous paragraph, if you're wondering why I have elaborated on the events, it is out of respect for people's privacy that I am not willing to.

Mon 29-Mar-10 (first day at work - a long day all round)

It's about 8:45pm as I type this quick post before I launch into some reading. Given I didn't leave the office until 5:00pm, I have far less than the mandatory extra 2.5hrs of work to do at home. That is fortunate as I feel like I've already worked a week without respite!

Before giving a summary of my day, I wanted to thank those of you who sent through messages of encouragement last night and this morning.

We got to school @ 8:30am (a little earlier than planned) to meet with someone on an unrelated matter before preparing myself for the drive in. Gabi found the separation difficult, albeit we have tried to build up to this. I have prayer time with Ben's teacher before school tomorrow so we'll see how tomorrow goes.

Shortly after arriving I dropped into an Induction Workshop for some new-starters and was pleasantly surprised to see one of my neighbours there––he has joined us on a 12-mth contract.

Throughout the day I had briefings and sorted out paperwork, as well as started reading material to get familiar with the role. I ensured I made time to have coffee with one of the team to get an insight into her both as a person and a colleague (the latter being from the perspective of how I can best integrate as the new manager without disrupting the ongoing smooth flow of the operation). She has been with us for 33 years and plans to retire at the end of this year, so I half-jokingly told her my plan to suck every bit of information from her brain by then. I'm grateful in advance for her wisdom and reputation for having a strong work ethic (I got to observe that today for myself). 

I bumped into a few colleagues including someone who I probably haven't seen for around 15 years. Amazingly he has recently started in the department in the same job I also started in (in 2004). Although he and I had worked in different police task forces in Sydney those many years ago, we knew each other because we had travelled together during joint operations.

I wasn't there to collect the kids, but the feedback was positive as to how they coped. As I said earlier, I didn't get away until nearly 5:00pm. On the way to collecting the kids it suddenly dawned on me (especially when I saw a vehicle identical to Maria's in Israel) that Maria won't be home to welcome me/us. In addition to that immediate emptiness, I also felt the loss of not coming home to the things she would lovingly prepare for afternoon tea and dinner (all that hard work, which I too often took for granted).

Upon collecting Ben we were invited to dinner. I decided to accept (thanks Karen) as we were only going to do baked beans at home (I hadn't fully planned for today - but am about to put some things aside for tomorrow).

Because of the dinner, chat and prayer, we didn't get home until around 8:00pm. I quickly got Gabi into bed and took the opportunity to have a lengthy father/son chat with Ben.

Life Scripture

At the Vision men's retreat last week one of the challenges/encouragers mentioned before we had quiet time was whether we had a specific "life scripture" (a reference to examine your life in the light of scripture, how I'm fulfilling it or how I can fulfil it better).

I've been praying for it and it fell into my lap yesterday. Why? Because it covers the key qualities I am seeking in my life and will challenge me every day in reflection (i.e. not missing opportunities; showing conviction, courage and strength; but doing all things in love for others).

I wanted to share it with you and intend to chat with the kids to see whether they would be interested in adopting it as our family's "mission" or "vision" statement.


1 Corinthians 16:13-14 (Contemporary English Version - CEV)
Keep alert. Be firm in your faith. Stay brave and strong. Show love in everything you do.

Sun 28-Mar-10 (last day before work, busy day with kids)

Ben was collected in the morning by his mate's dad and the three of them headed off to Canberra Airport for its Open Day. Gabi and I went to church (the first time in six weeks, given other events and our absences from Canberra).

We raced home and headed off for Gabi's school picnic. The kids ran around in the glorious weather (it has been 25-28 celsius with blue skies for the last few weeks) while the aduklts caught up. I was grateful to not only get to know a few people that little more, but to meet a few new people and spend some quality time with them. Ben was dropped off during the picnic and really enjoyed his time at the Airport.

We headed home and I started making preparations for tomorrow, being my return to work.

A dear brother came over in the evening and we had over an hour of fellowship and prayer. It was great to not only delve into prayer but to also chat about the Rugby on Friday (he was also at the Stadium) and general guy stuff.

With the new routine about to kick in, I know that Gabi will find it challenging as I'll be dropping off that little bit earlier but more importantly won't be hanging around (that's the part she loves). A couple of mums are taking the kids for separate play dates tomorrow afternoon, which will allow me to attend this late work briefing –– that's a huge blessing.

There has been quite a bit over the last week causing me some emotional drain (in a positive way). While I was hoping to be feeling charged at this moment (I'm at the other end of the spectrum - again not in a bad way), I am looking forward to the work challenge that lies ahead of me.

Sat 27-Mar-10 (another party, dinner and late night)

The morning seemed to pass quite quickly. All of a sudden there was a rush to get Gabi to her friend's birthday "pool" party. During that time I took Ben shopping at his request and spent a little time together.

The kids had a relaxing afternoon before we headed off for dinner to dear friends. We didn't get home until nearly 10:00pm for the second night running, so they are quite tired.

In the morning Ben will head off with a mate and his dad to the Open Day at the Canberra Airport. Gabi and I will get to church unless I can't get her out of bed. We will then have a Grade 2 (Gabi's year) picnic to attend.

A dear brother will visit tomorrow evening so we can have some prayer time before I launch back into work on Monday.

On the point of work, I received a schedule of briefings for my first week. Unfortunately a number of them fall at the end of my time in the office. That said, I should be able to make arrangements on a couple of days and for the others will try and reschedule. I'll learn a little more about the level of flexibility to shift timings when I get into the office on Monday.

Fri 27-Mar-10 (Blog re-design, a lot of coffee, Ben's project, Rugby)

As you can see, I've played with the style and layout of the blog. Being a little ADHD (and not liking the same thing for too long), I felt it needed a change. I would be no good with tattoos as I would have more scars because I'd want to make changes every few months.

After dropping the kids off to school I headed to my cafe hideaway and started with a grande (mega) latte (I already had one at home earlier in the morning) as I read the Bible, listened to music and prayed for a number of people.

I then had another coffee as I met with Kathryn. Afterwards I farewelled the cafe's owner who was just getting used to me being part of the furniture. She told me they open at 6:30am if I'm in the mood to visit before taking the kids to school.

Ben did his class space project on the Space Shuttle. Below is a photo of it.

There's a lot of information, so I'll do my best to summarise. Ben built the "Orbiter" (what you'd call the Shuttle) section of the section from leftover wood. We then used two cricket stumps for the Solid Rocket Boosters (SRBs) and some drink bottles encased in cardboard for the External Tank (ET). Amazingly, they were all nearly to scale. The elastic bands were strategically placed so Ben could cut them to show the release of the SRBs and ET at the appropriate time. He also made a fantastic paper aeroplane to demonstrate its glider-like return to Earth. I chatted with his teacher at the end of the day and he was very impressed by all of the presentations, which is great to hear as you could see so many students made a huge effort.

I caught up with another dear sister (thanks "Dori") for more coffee before collecting the kids. That was also a lovely time of fellowship. However, I was pretty much buzzing by now because of my caffeine intake.

This afternoon the kids and I headed to a new mate's place and with some other dads we all had a BBQ then headed out to Canberra Stadium to watch the Brumbies play the Waikato Chiefs (from New Zealand). The scores were tied with two minutes remaining, but fortunately the Brumbies scored to win 30-23. An exciting game with a good atmosphere. Everyone enjoyed it. By the way, I also squeezed another coffee in, but have to say it was pretty average and $4.80 for the pain.

I have a couple of photos of the kids at the game with their friends, but have chosen not to publish them for now without their parents permission or when I'm able to get a program to remove them from the photo. In the interim I've just added a general from the game that I took with my phone –– not long before the winning try.

By the time we got home it was nearly 10pm. The kids flaked out. I had a pretty rough sleep last night so I'm hoping tonight (well this morning as it's after midnight) will be a better one.

Thu 25-Mar-10 (Gabi's emotions, armour, cafe time, massage, an opportunity to share)

Gabi had a self-inflicted rough end to her night. When she woke this morning she was very tired and carried the same attitude into the day (i.e. every situation is conspiring against her and the ceiling appears to be caving in).

By the time we got to school (even though we clothe ourselves every morning in God's full armour - see below), things were becoming a little too much for her. I spent some time talking with her, then praying over her before she went to the classroom.

The "Full Armour" of God (taken from the Bible - see Ephesians 6:10-18) is something we started as a family back in Israel. We would (and still do) clothe ourselves in it every day. The kids alternate each day with one giving the description (see italicised words below) and the other does the definitions, while we all do the actions. They have it down to a fine art. This is followed by prayer before we reach our first destination for the day. Here is our family version.

Helmet of salvation – "It protects our minds and we know we are saved."

Breastplate of righteousness – "It protects our hearts and we know the right thing to do."

Belt of truth – "It keeps us balanced in the truth, and the truth is Jesus."

Sword of the Spirit – "It is our only offensive weapon and it's God's word."

Shield of Faith – "It protects us from the fiery arrows of Satan and his dark angels." (sometimes they say, "It deflects the fiery arrows...")

Sandals of the Gospel of Peace – "So we can travel to far distant lands in peace and tells the Good News about Jesus."  

I did my solo cafe routine again today with my Bible and iPod (built into my iPhone). It gave me an opportunity to pray for Gabi, listen, read and challenge myself in a number of areas. I was also able to chat with the cafe's owner, giving her my positive feedback about the little touches she adds that make it my favourite of all Coffee Guru franchises around. She certainly appreciated it.

I had my second Hospice-funded massage today. The masseuse (she is also a counsellor) remembers Ben and Gabi so clearly from the times she massaged Maria. She was so impressed by the way they handled themselves and the situation. Again, God has supplied in our times of need. I needed her words at that time to bring me back to encouraging them more as they have been (and continue to be) so amazing. Unfortunately, when I'm exhausted and things are going as how "I would like", I get on their case.

A dear friend (especially of Maria) from our Sydney days touched bases by SMS today. A response to a comment she made, led her to call and ask me more about my and Maria's personal faiths. I praise God that he presents these opportunities. I then allowed HIM to speak through me and was encouraged by our chat. Thanks to Justin and Kathryn for providing instant prayer coverage over that discussion.


I got to spend time chatting with one of the dads at school this afternoon. We are hopeful to be getting together for a BBQ (both with our kids in tow) tomorrow afternoon, then all heading out to Canberra Stadium to watch the Brumbies play (Rugby Union). I appreciated the invitation.

Gabi and I chatted at home this evening and it turns out her day panned out really well. I emphasised the answer to prayer and the need to bring these things before me and the Lord.

Further sharing on the topic of suffering

I want to post something below. A dear friend just shared it with me (thanks "Dori"). It also ties into a short podcast I happened to be listening to earlier today on the topic of suffering. Anyway, here it is.

Source: Word4Utoday
God's megaphone


'...This is the way; walk in it.' (Isaiah 30:21 NIV)

Pain speaks volumes. Headaches tell us we need to lie down in a dark room; backaches tell us we need to lift safely; stomach-aches tell us to step away from the Doritos. Yes, pain tells us something's not right. Pain captures our attention. It can be the same with our lives, sometimes pain is necessary for change. The pain of depression can lead us to seek help. The pain of loss can help us re-evaluate what matters most in life. The pain of emptiness can bring us back to God. CS Lewis wrote, 'Pain is God's megaphone'. Maybe, this year has been tough for you, life seems a bit pointless and you've been left wondering, 'Where is God in all of this?' The Bible says, '...don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through? Instead, be very glad?for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world.' (1 Peter 4:12-13 NLT) Pain is never easy! Actually, life isn't easy, but one thing we can count on is God hasn't just left us to it. God is on the job: 'And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.' (Romans 8:28 NIV) Sometimes God has to use his megaphone to shout: 'This is the way; walk in it.' (Isaiah 30:21 NIV)

Interestingly the above makes reference to verses in 1 Peter 4, which our Bible Study is about to move into next week.

"True beauty and joy" - video clips of Maria and kids on website

I have included a couple of video clips of Maria and the kids, which I've posted on the website. To access the clips and detailed descriptions, click the links below:

28-Aug-2008
Maria & Ben (Maria's 38th birthday – Israel)

13-Oct-2008
Maria & Gabi (Pool dancing – Egypt)

Wed 24-Mar-10 (coffee alone, cemetery, coffee with company, small group)

After dropping the kids off I chatted in the carpark with a dear friend before heading to the local shopping centre to do some banking. I've recently started a new routine where I wander to my favourite cafe tucked away at the back of the centre and catch up on emails and messages while contemplating the day ahead. I have come to know the staff and am a VIP member. Don't know what to do when I return to work next week. One solution would be to move to another Government Department housed in a massive complex across the road. Don't think so...I love where I am (albeit I have almost forgotten what it's like to apply myself to paid work).

I headed to the cemetery to spend time at Maria's gravesite. I don't say "to be with Maria" as I know where she really is. I was hoping there was an office there so I could finalise her stone and plaque. Unfortunately I had to head to the other side of town for this. I will now await a "proof", then after confirmation it should take six weeks to finalise and install.

After a quick shop I got home in time for a quick lunch and a clean of the kitchen before heading out for coffee again. On this occasion it was with a newly acquainted "sister". I have enjoyed both the fellowship and her ability to challenge me (in a Godly way) as I express some of my obstacles to continued growth in my spiritual journey.

The kids and I did the Wednesday afternoon routine of an early dinner before heading over to friends for "small group" (aka "home group" or "bible study"). I seem to be struggling to fit in (this is my own perception). There is so much floating about in my mind and I don't seem to be able to articulate myself in the way I'd normally hope to. 

Tue 23-Mar-10 (School excursion)

I was supposed to start the day with an early arrival at school to pray with Ben's teacher as part of my role as the Class Parent. This was to be our first (planned for every 2nd Tuesday), but unfortunately Ben's teacher called me at home in the morning to say that he was suffering a migraine and would not be able to make it, which also included missing the excursion. 

The class kids were disappointed that he was not to be present on the day, but it all went well. I teamed up with one of the dads I hadn't met before. I was happy to be the driver, providing he could oblige with helping me to carry the class lunch bags and drink bottles. This time in my car (as well as the hour wait-around at the end of the day) gave us some time in both directions to get to know each other a little. 

The weather was glorious (as you'll see from the photo of one of the telescopes) and the kids in my group were fine. I could see that Ben really appreciated me being around. The kids also got to see the 70m diameter telescope move as the staff member who manages it, including its maintenance is a father of one of the kids who was present.

Mon 22-Mar-10 (lunch, doctor, upcoming excursion)

The kids woke coughing again, but otherwise seemed okay. After dropping them off at school I was at the bank sorting out some issues when I received a message from a "brother" who wanted to see whether I was able to catch up for lunch. Fortunately it was my quietest appointment day this week, so I took him up on his offer. It was a beautiful day and lovely to sit in the shade on the lake and enjoy conversation and the view.

I arranged a 6:30pm (last) appointment with our GP. We arrived on time to find we had a couple of people in front of us, including a dear friend. Our chat passed the time. Unfortunately we didn't get in until after 7:30pm. The kids were so patient, especially considering I hadn't bothered feeding them (what was going on in my head?).

The outcome was that Gabi's throat was a little red, but both their chests seemed fine. She gave me scripts in the event either of them had developments, but I'm hoping/praying we won't need it.

As we didn't leave until 8pm (Ben's bedtime and past Gabi's), I went to the McDonald's drive-through and treated them. They didn't get to sleep until nearly 9:00pm.

We'll be on the move early tomorrow as I have prayer time with Ben's teacher, followed by Ben's grade's school excursion (which I'm also going to take part in). I'm anticipating a long and fun day.

Something shared with me, which I want to pass on

I'm not one to send emails asking others to pass them on in order to receive some type of blessing (sorry to those who do –– isn't it great we're all made different?). Rather, my philosophy is to use this blog to share something that has blessed, encouraged or challenged me in a profound way and I feel may do the same for someone reading it. You can choose whether or not you want to on-forward it. That should be a personal choice with no guilt associated with not doing so.

One of my dear friends who is back in the US shared in one of his regular messages to me a blog entry from the pastor of the church he and Thresea are now attending (thanks Dave). I had not sat and read it then, but for some reason was drawn back to that email from early March. I was really struck by it and wanted to share it with you all. They are some of Pastor Alan's thoughts.

Blessed Are the Mourners - Seeing Something Of Jesus I Have Never Seen Before


I have been gripped by the Beatitudes over the past week or so and last Sunday, while I was preaching, God showed me something of Himself that I have talked about but never really grasped the way that I have since then. Words won't be able to express this and when I have tried to explain it, I stumble and bumble all over myself. It can only be summed by saying that Jesus is enough.


I was working through the Beatitudes and I hit Matthew 5:4 that says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." I realized that when I mourn, I am blessed, not because mourning is a good thing in and of itself. Who wants to mourn? Who wants to be sad? But, I realized that in the perspective of what Jesus was saying, when I did mourn, I would be blessed because Jesus would show up and comfort me. It is better to mourn and be comforted by Jesus than it is to be happy and healed and whole without Jesus. Pain + Jesus is better than Pleasure without Jesus. He is all I need. He is my satisfaction. I am not to just hope that He makes everything better. HE is better. I am not to just hope that He heals me and gives me a good life. HE is healing. HE is the good life. I am not to continually hope that Jesus will give me good things apart from Him - there are no good things apart from Christ.


I have been saying that Jesus is not a means to an end. What I mean by that is that Jesus is not the way to have a good marriage, good kids, material comfort, or a happy life. That would be idolatry and would put a good marriage, good kids, material comfort, or a happy life as the goal or god of our life with Jesus as the way to secure it. Bible believing Evangelicals have their own prosperity gospel. We might not say, "Sow your seed of $100 and you'll get $1000," but we do say, "Follow Jesus and you will have a good life. You marriage will be awesome and your kids will be awesome and YOU will be awesome."  So, we have these expecations that if we follow Christ, everything will work out and we will be supremely happy all the time. But, what if things don't work this way? Jesus said that in this life we will have trouble. So, you can't make deals with God to get your way. I get all of this. Our goals should not focus on ourselves, but rather, we should seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added to us. God gives us these things because He is good and because He loves us and because He has a way for us to live. But, they are gifts from a loving Father. We don't earn them and we definitely don't use God to get them. He will not be manipulated and if He chooses to not answer all our prayers the way we want, He is still good and He is still God. God is not a character in our story. We are a character in His story.


But, this past weekend, I realized this truth on a deeper level. While I have laid down my bargains with God on the follow-Jesus-and-get-the-happy-life thing, I have still believed that He was the way to everything I wanted in the Christian life. I wanted power  in ministry. I wanted things to be right. I wanted spiritual and relational healing. I wanted a strong, growing church. I wanted to make an impact in the world. I wanted people to love me and for all wounds to be healed. I wanted to be whole and complete and free of pain of any sort . . . all good things, no doubt, but if those things are my goals, then where does Jesus fit in? You got it. He is the way to get those desires met. In that, Jesus becomes subservient in my heart to the things that are related to Him. If I find my identity and worth and significance in things connected to Christ - His gifts - and not in Christ Himself, then what have I become?


Then, in a flash, I was faced with the proposition - would I take pain and struggle and hardship and rejection - mourning, sadness, and many tears? Would I take all of this if it meant that Jesus would be there to comfort me? Would I stop seeking after healing and wholeness and rejoice in my sufferings because through them I meet Christ? Would I give up seeing Jesus as a means to spiritual attainment and instead find myself in Him? Would I give up even good, spiritual, religious things as my main goal and instead find my life hidden with Christ in God? Do I really think that He is better? Do I really want to know Him or just His blessings?  I am not trying to create a false dichotomy here between The Giver and His gifts. However, the presence of suffering and loss and sin and grieving and mourning in the world causes us to recognize that things just do not always work out the way that we desire. What do we do with that? Will we attempt to use God to alleviate the pain and therefore make the freedom from pain the main thing? Or, will we keep our eyes on Jesus even through the pain, knowing, being totally confident, that He is greater than even our freedom from pain and also knowing that He will comfort and heal with His presence?  As accurately as I try to explain this, I am still failing I fear.


"Blessed are those who mourn." When I find myself mourning, hurting, saddened, brokenhearted, I need not despair. Those are real emotions and they come from loss in this world and I don't need to shut them off. I need not look to my pain and wonder why a loving God would allow me to hurt or go through this. I don't need to wonder why God won't show up and relieve my suffering. He is greater than the pain. I can lift my eager eyes to Heaven and know that there is a Savior who lives to intercede for me and He has sent the Comforter to comfort me in all my troubles and that He is near to the brokenhearted and the nearness of God is my good. I need not look for healing and wholeness and spiritual, emotional, and relational health and success. Instead, I only need look to Christ. He is my satisfaction and my hope and if I meet Him more clearly in the midst of mourning and suffering and pain, then I praise God for the mourning and the tears and the suffering and the pain and the rejection and the hurt - because those things have brought me to my Blessed Savior in Whom all the treasures of the universe beyond my comprehension reside. It is in that state that He shows up and comforts me and I see Him. For when I have Christ, I have all things and there is nothing good that exists outside of Him. When I have Jesus, I have healing because He is my healing. So, if when I mourn I am comforted by Christ, then I am truly blessed above all men who do not mourn but also do not have Christ.


Jesus flips everything upside down. He is not the way to be saved. He is salvation. Jesus is not the way to the spiritual life. He is life. Jesus is not the way to heaven. He is Heaven. If anything, even heartache and pain, allows me to see Jesus more clearly, then I am blessed - not because the heartache or pain was a good thing. It is not. It stinks and it hurts and it causes me to mourn. God understands that. But, Christ will show up and bring comfort to my heart and He is better than anything - even not going through the mourning in the first place. Realizing this changes everything.


That is what I am starting to see at a whole new level and I pray that this truth would completely permeate my life. Seeing this is really the only way that we can consider it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds because we know that the testing of our faith develops perseverance (James 1:2-3). Seeing this is the only way that we can rejoice in the Lord always (Phil. 4:4). As with many things that you learn about God, you see it for a moment and then often lose it. The things of this world or our hardened hearts choke it out. I pray that I am good soil and that Christ is always before me and that this seed of truth would produce a harvest in my heart a hundred times over. I appreciate your prayers for me along those lines as well.  I still feel as though I have explained this poorly and grasp it barely. Perhaps it will grow and I will see this more clearly. I hope so, because just a taste of seeing Jesus in this way has been one of the most beautiful, awe-inspiring experiences of my life. It is a taste of Christ that fills me with more hope and joy and courage and love than words can explain.

(Reference - http://www.downshoredrift.com/downshoredrift/2010/02/blessed-are-the-mourners-seeing-something-of-jesus-i-have-never-seen-before.html)

Sun 21-Mar-10 (missed church again, illness?, busy day)

We intended to get to church but the kids have recently developed coughs that seem at their worst in the mornings and evenings. They were both complaining of some chest discomfort, so we rested at home instead of going to church. I've contacted our GP by SMS and she plans to get the kids in to see her at the end of tomorrow night's group of patients. I'll follow that up in the morning.

Gabi was fine by the time a birthday party came along. After collecting her, we rushed home to get Ben so we could register his for AFL. He loved it and can't wait for the season to start (beginning of May). He flaked out in the evening, still not 100%. I took a photo of him wearing his "Tuggeranong Bulldogs" cap and polar fleece.

Sat 20-Mar-10 (2mth anniversary, Retreat, Fellowship, Dinner)

Today is the 2-month anniversary of Maria's passing. Some people have commented as to how quickly the time has passed. For me it feels like 6-months and the whole cancer journey about 5 years, rather than 11-months. Sometimes I get through a day––for whatever reason may feel like an eternity––and think about how I'll do this day-in day-out for (God willing) many years to come.

The day started accompanying Justin to a Men's Retreat at his church. It was an awesome experience as there was no program, but rather it was an opportunity to just have time with God, with some guidance given that we could take or leave. It was the first time for I can't say how long since I was able to have such a "quiet time" away from home. I wrote seven pages of notes from scripture that spoke to me and the parallels I started to draw with the carpet I was laying on. I got a lot out of it. While much of it is quite personal, challenging and encouraging, I will share some snippets:

1. I was drawn to scripture that helped me in the following areas
• my faith;
• being a better role model as a father;
• continuing in God's strength (I don't have much of my own); and 
• more insight into suffering and persistence. 
2. I was able to list my "fears" and where my "focus" lies as we continue to move on as a family of three.
3. An experience (some may call it a vision of some description). What does the following mean for me? I'm not sure yet. I just know it was something I felt driven to soak up and write contemporaneously about. Anyway, I was praying face down on the carpet and when I opened my eyes I was confronted by the speckled carpet. As I stared at it, the following thoughts came to mind without me really thinking about them:

• The carpet was multicoloured, which to me represented the people and world we live in.
• Every strand of carpet was unique, as we are created uniquely.
• The strands were all interwoven, reminding me that we are all created in God's image and are held together through relationships.
• There were imperfections scattered throughout the carpet, just like with us.
• When I looked out over the carpet, I was able to grasp its bigger picture. 
• This also identified to me that the carpet clearly had end-points (the walls), illustrating to me that while on Earth we as humans have an end. How long that life will be depends very much on where we are woven into the carpet relative to the walls.
• As I observed my "brothers" comfortable in contemplation (laying, kneeling, sitting, standing barefoot), I visualised how we as people become comfortable with what the world offers.
• These "brothers" were all positioned in their own individual points on the carpet. I felt that while we were all there in the world with possibly a similar purpose, we all were at different points in our respective journeys.
• When I thought/looked beyond the carpet, I visualised the concrete slab (its foundation) sitting underneath. Regardless of whether or not people saw or thought of the foundation (God), the fact was that it is there. That slab was also holding us up from falling (as God has done for me) from falling. In this case it would have been a fall of a storey or two.
• The presence and attraction of the carpet (i.e. the world), was able to easily distract our attention away from the foundation (God) supporting it. 

While we were at church, the kids stayed with Kathryn and her girls. When we got back, us three adults had lunch and a time of fellowship while the kids watched a DVD, then went off playing.

We got home and did a few things before walking up to our dear neighbours/friends' home to have dinner with them. Got home about 9:45pm, with the kids struggling to keep awake.

Tomorrow will be church (our first visit for five weeks because of a visit to the cemetery, Maria's 40-day service, and holidays), followed by a birthday party Gabi is attending, and AFL (Aussie Rules football) registration for Ben.

"My Prayer" by Ben

Last night the three of us sat at the dinner table and discussed writing down prayer points (i.e. people/issues for us to focus pray on). Obviously this changes from time-to-time depending on the need, but there are those ongoing prayer points that we need to be a little more targeted. I'm very sporadic and want to bring some of Maria's planned discipline to our family prayer life.

Anyway, instead of listing those he wished to pray for (he actually did that this morning), Ben sat and in five minutes wrote his own prayer, titled, "My Prayer". I did not prompt or get involved in any of it. It was all written by Ben straight from his heart and I wanted to share it with you as to me it shows the "...heart of a child" that Jesus seeks in all of us. It blew me away.

My Prayer 
Dear God. Thank you for all the things you give to me like life, a family, food, freedom, school, friends, a nice teacher, nice class mates, playground, clean water, animals, plants, vegetables and heaps of other stuff. I pray that you will put your healing hand on all the people that are sick in the world and that you help me to get through these hard time and my family. In all your mighty name. Amen.

Possible recovery of data from HDD

I just received the quote from the data recovery service to retrieve the data from the faulty Hard Disk Drive (HDD) of what was a reasonably new Apple MacBook Pro.

The cost will be $1,650! I was hoping it would be more like $500-800. Apparently the drive has a serious internal fault. The recovery result will depend on how good an image they get after making temporary repairs. There is no guarantee. However, from previous experience they feel the prognosis is good. Fortunately the fee is only payable if they successfully recover the data.

Unfortunately the data was not backed up as I thought (you also would expect a new machine to do this).  Given the cost I'm now facing, I intend to approach Apple to discuss whether they are able to subsidise this cost––considering the fault was not mine. I'm sure the "back up" issue will be a potential exit strategy for them.

If the laptop didn't have key documents relating to Maria's funeral (especially one that I typed during her last night and no longer have a hard- or soft-copy on hand), I would let it slide. Whether or not Apple come to the party, won't stop me from proceeding with the recovery.

Maria's handwritten notes found!

After finishing the previous entry, I went to the filing cabinet to start the search for the letters Maria had written to us (mentioned in the linked entry) on June 14, 2009––the night before her second brain surgery.

I pulled out everything from the bottom drawer and started to rummage through folders when I came across them safe and sound tucked inside one of the kids' folders of drawings. I must have put them there for safekeeping but can't recall it. 

Reading through them was highly emotional for me. I'll probably try to read them to Ben and Gabi tonight. I have never read them to the kids before as I felt as peace about Maria making it through her surgery and because of the content, wanted to hold off until a time such as now.

I'm at such peace having found the letters. Thanks be to God.

Empathy with the grief of others

I have recently received a couple of emails from loved ones here and overseas who have apologised for their lack of contact since Maria went home to be with the Lord. Their key issue has been their own grief that they are going through. There are a few others (primarily overseas) who we haven't heard from either since Maria's passing. I also have had a few people express their guilt for not having helped our family during and since Maria's journey ended on Earth.

This entry is to say that I truly and completely understand what you are going through, so please DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. This will foster only negative thoughts that leads to a path of destruction.

As I said in a recent email response to a loved one, everyone has their own lives and issues to deal with, so for this reason things should not revolve around us.

Our Lord Jesus Christ has given the three of us the strength to get through every day and to experience the peace that surpasses all understanding. Without Him, we would have drowned in grief and anger. We are not fully restored and never will be as we have experienced such a loss that cannot be filled or replace. However, God has given us Himself and with that "hope". Hope that we will be eternally united with Him and reunited with Maria.

My prayer for those of you experiencing your own grief (whether it be because of Maria's passing or another loss of some description) is that you will hold onto Jesus and have what we have in our lives. He does it for us, so I know He can (and will) do it for you.

Thu 18-Mar-10 (massage, more emotion - a letter)

I am heading off shortly for a massage with a therapist who gave Maria complimentary massages arranged and funded by the Hospice. Apparently I am entitled to three free sessions, so this will be my first. I don't know how I'll go fitting the other two in.

Maria wrote letters to myself, Ben and Gabi the night before her surgery on June 15. I thought I'd find them when I cleaned out our bedroom, but haven't as yet. It's really annoying me. I started to tackle the filing cabinet and while I've only just begun, I found an amazing letter written and given to me by Maria the day before she fell ill. I don't know whether she felt something or it was just God's timing (it wasn't unusual for her to occasionally do something like this). I just wanted to share it with you––not because what it says about me, but to show you Maria's true heart, her love and grace that she showered upon me.

Grateful your prayers that I'll locate those other precious letters.

Wed 17-Mar-10 (Small group, emotions/guilt)

After a day of grocery shopping, household chores, kids pick-ups and an early dinner, we headed off to small group. En route I collected a whole lot of clothes that had been generously ironed for us. It was such a huge blessing (thanks Justin & Kathryn).

While I was focused on the evening's topic and conversation throughout, during prayer time at the end all I could visualise was Maria's last hours, minutes and seconds on Earth (crammed all in the space of a minute or so). It's the first time I've had this experience. From an emotional level I found it challenging. I was actually too exhausted and conscious of avoiding being the centre of attention, so I didn't bother mentioning the incident. What it did do was trigger a deep burden of guilt in me. The guilt is not about January 20 as I was so grateful and honoured for having been present, but rather the vision directed my thoughts to  the times I failed Maria from the beginning until the end of our relationship.

There is an old adage that "you never know what you've got until it's gone", or put more clearly, "you never realise what you truly have until it's gone". I always knew what I had in Maria and how special she was. Now she's no longer around, I realise there were probably too many times that I took her for granted. Where are these thoughts leading? Nowhere really...it's just my fingers pounding the keyboard as I ponder it all without too much analysis.

Please don't read my next comment as being arrogant as it's from the heart. I feel that in some ways I have become a much better and more sensitive person than I was a year ago  (many may beg to differ). I feel like I am able to give and listen so much more now than I ever was before Maria's diagnosis, because I was so caught up in work (and probably myself also). During all this time she was so supportive, kept everything ticking over like clockwork (far simpler than my efforts), yet was a woman of amazing strength and character. I suppose it is the frustration of my own blindness that is annoying me, i.e. why did it take such an event for me to snap out of my selfishness.

I gave Maria every ounce of what I had over that last 11 months. Although emotionally and physically it felt like years squeezed into that short timeframe, it wasn't while she was healthy to be able to appreciate it as I suppose I feel she deserved. Before anyone gets the impression that things were not going well, I should qualify that our relationship was strong and we shared family responsibility and life together in a loving way.


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The dots (...) above represent two paragraphs I just deleted. I typed away while very deep in thought as I grappled with my emotions and God's purpose, but started not to make sense as it became a hotch-potch of raw sentences that I couldn't seem to piece together. Probably fatigue. I'll leave those thoughts on ice for now.

Another post midnight bedtime. I'm about to head to my room where Gabi is sleeping (it's her night to share the bed with me). I'll prayerful that she sleeps "still" and in the "normal" vertical direction.

Tue 16-Mar-10 (coffee, coffee and more coffee)

After having done so well with minimal coffee consumption, I spent two hours in the morning catching up with a long-lost friend at a local cafe, involving 'grande' sized cups of coffee. I had enough to get home and sort a few things out before returning to the same cafe for a time of fellowship with a school mum over coffee before collecting the kids –– is there any other way?

Holiday photo slideshow

The slideshow can be found on our family website, which can be accessed by clicking this link

Mon 15-Mar-10 (There is always something around the corner)

Just when I started to lift up from where I've been, I had communication from a couple of people overseas who had just heard about Maria. While I didn't feel too sad re-reporting what had happened (pretty much referring them to the website and sub-link to this blog), I think it was the cumulative effect because of the following events today:

1) I went to Toyota to have my car looked at due to both rear windows not operating. The service manager recognised me (I didn't initially recognise him). He is the son of a long lost friend who we were close to when first becoming Christians. The son knew we had travelled overseas, but was not aware of there being anything wrong with Maria.

2) I went into a local supermarket after school and bumped into a lady and her daughter, who (the daughter, we'll call 'J') had her life saved by Maria's neurosurgeon related to another condition. We last saw them at the hospital in December when Maria and 'J' had meetings with the neurosurgical team. As soon as 'S' (J's mum) saw me, she looked as if she'd guessed. I just shook my head slightly in response. We hugged each other for a while and chatted. They were both quite upset and said they had been thinking a lot about Maria lately (not knowing her surname to check papers or enquire at the hospital).

In both cases, while it was lovely to see them, it brought a lot back for me. This is just a reality of how things will be.

I woke this morning a little sluggish and feeling like I have an early onset of a cold. Health-wise we've all been quite well for so long. I don't feel like this is going to develop into anything, so I'm not fussed about it.

What I didn't mention is that Gabi turns so dark in the sun, even with maximum protection. I really noticed it this morning when she had her uniform on. She constantly complains about her her hair and skin, wanting the former to be straight and the latter to be like mine. I told her I'd swap in a second if I could (that includes the hair).

Summary of our first family holiday without Maria (see previous 9 entries)

Rather than trying to recall all the events of our week's holiday, as you will see from the previous nine (9) entries I've cut and pasted notes I had typed into my phone each late evening/early morning of our vacation. I will have a look at the photos and upload some soon. Unfortunately (as you'll read) our family camera broke so we had to resort to my phone for "snappies". I think what was most noticeable was the struggle we had up until I sent out a prayer request on Tuesday (as I was ready to head home). Things just improved phenomenally from then on. Praise God!

Sun 14-Mar-10 (Vacation day #9)

Got to sleep around 1:00am. A group of young people who had been at a wedding since early afternoon returned to the site around 2:00am and were noisy until 4:00am. Very tempted to be a little over-noisy ourselves while they slept in.

We all headed to a nearby beach after checking-out, but the kids just wanted to go home. So we farewelled everyone and commenced the 3+hr drive. Stopped at Batemans Bay for lunch, then Braidwood for a treat (icecream for kids and coffee for me). I bumped into a former colleague who I first worked with in my current department. He is now retired and doing contract work for another department. We had only exchanged emails a few weeks ago when he heard about Maria through his son (who is currently posted overseas).

The remainder of the drive was fine, arriving home around 3:00pm. Since then I've been unpacking, washing/ironing uniforms and cleaning up. Unfortunately we arrived home to the fridge's freezer slightly ajar, so it frosted over. I'm grateful what was lost was not too significant (the kids would argue the tubs of ice cream were). It gave me an opportunity to give it a spring clean.

A relaxed evening. See how the week goes.

Sat 13-Mar-10 (Vacation day #8)

An overcast and cool day. That hasn't stopped the kids from getting out in the kayaks for some fishing and paddling.

A bit of time on the pool for Gabi before she suffered from a bump to her top lip. Ben's been having his own time drawing Star Wars characters. Rejoined the boys to ride their scooters together. Gabi has gone off again to hang out with the bigger girls - she loves it!

Spent time with the boys fishing. No luck finding anything. Made friends with a large group of 60-somethings at the camp kitchen who had all sorts of gadgets with them.

Received a msg from my brother Mark. He and Cass won an auction on a house in the inner Sydney area. I'm very excited for them. I'll find out more when we're home and have better phone reception.  

An evening of worship led by Sean, which was lovely especially seeing Gabi get into it (the boys were fishing in the dark frim the sand). At one point Effie and Maggie were singing and leaning on each other. I could see Gabi's expression of "loss". She then asked to chat to me in our cabin about something. She raised something unrelated, but I could tell the trigger for her "unrelated" physical pain. 

The water was so still. Just beautiful.

Fri 12-Mar-10 (Vacation day #7, a couple of anniversaries)

We hit the road after cleaning the cabin, saying goodbye to the birds and returning the bikes. After a coffee stop in Cobargo (my third in a week) and a drive through the historic town of Central Tilba to show the kids where Maria and I had one of our great pre-kid holidays, we arrived at Maria's parents' home. The kids played so well together with old Lego and we lunched before the 20min drive to Tuross Lake. We were the first to arrive and settled into our brand new cabin. Effie and family arrived about an hour later with the other family. The boys hung out together kayaking on the lake, while the girls swam in the pool. Brian and I went out kayaking also, creating an opportunity to chat. It was also so peaceful yet good in the way of exercise.

It was Brian and Effie's wedding anniversary - congratulations to them. It was also the year anniversary of when we received Maria's diagnosis. One of the hardest days in the early part of the journey.

It has also been nice to acquaint ourselves with a 'new' (lovely) family in our lives and discuss cultural and faith issues with them (they originate from Sth Africa).  

It was nice to gave dinner all together and have the kids use our cabin for play (when they weren't night-kayaking. The grown-ups and my nephew Nick played card games until it was the kids' bedtime. I'm sure Ben and Gabi will sleep well. I thought the same would apply to me but it's now well after midnight and I'm typing in a complete awake state.  

Thu 11-Mar-10 (Vacation day #6)

Spent our day @ Magic Mountain, a fun park down the road from the cabins. The kids were nervous about the rollercoaster but didn't want to get off it. They've also enjoyed the toboggan run and water slides especially. Gabi just keeps sliding down and doing the walk back up. The two are called, "Black Hole" and "Doom Tube". The former goes underground and the latter is shorter and faster. You slide on rubber mats, which makes it that much faster. Stayed until close. 

More time of tennis and the pool for Gabi. Got takeaway seafood for me and burgers for the kids. Ben loved the chicken schnitzel. 

I packed everything after the kids fell asleep so there is minimal work in the morning. A couple of brush-tail possums visited before thet clashed with a Potaroo that was minding its own business. Unfortunately sleep gone a little funny again in last couple of nights so I'm typing this last part of the entry at 2:30am.

Now after 3:00am as I've been reading the book of Romans, with particular focus on ch.8 and 11. The former being the battle I have in current times with v.28, as beautiful as it is. The latter being something on my heart concerning the fate of the Jewish people. 

Getting back to ch.8, the age was marked with a handwritten note Maria made on Nov when she attended a talk on healing. Interestingly I'm listening over and over to a track, "Broken but I'm Healed" by Byron Cage, which also covers this topic. I remember our dear friend David-whose wife Cindy had a major MVA while we were in Israel together-said on a visit that should he choose to bestow a miracle on Cindy or Maria (he meant full healing), that he knew it would not go to waste. We'll keep praying it for Cindy. 

I'm now rambling but something that has haunted me lately relates to Cindy and Maria, only part of which I've shared with others. What I have shared verbally with others is that when I was driving enroute to the hospital after receiving a confused call from Maria about Cindy's accident, over and over I was told (didn't discern it immediately at the time as I felt it may have been my wish rather than a reality) that Cindy would live. When I got to the hospital and heard that they felt it impossible that she'd live 24hrs, I honestly felt that perhaps it was my emotions (doubt slipping in), albeit what I heard was so clear and definite. 

What I haven't shared before is that I sought this revelation for Maria but never received it. Maria also felt the same, so while she (we) continued to pray for supernatural healing, we both felt that God had prepared us as Maria's time was limited. In the early days/weeks of Maria's diagnosis we received notes from people having received "words" or "revelation". We were both very much not up to hearing it as: (a) it was so early and we were coming to terms with the diagnosis; (b) we felt that God would do what He had to, if that was His desire/will; and (c) both felt a strong sense that Maria's time was going to be limited and the gospel had to be preached in a loving way to those who would be placed in our path (I believe this is the nexus with Romans 11). It is important to emphasise that we never gave up hope of her being with us for many years, not until after Maria's last breath on Earth.

Maria's attitude throughout her journey with glioblastoma is evidence of her spiritual healing, with our belief that she is now with God in Heaven (a place of no pain and suffering) which equates to her physical healing. 

I know God can mend parts of my brokenness. I know He will. I will never "recover" from this loss, as this loss is not a physical injury that one is expected to get over. What I do know is that He will mould me so I can adapt to this new way of living - to use me in some way for Him. That said, it's selfishly hard to think of actively doing anything for God right now because of my physical and emotional exhaustion, which continues to plague me. Countering that statement, I know nothing is impossible for Him. Nearly 4am - need to get a little sleep as we're on the road in a few hours to make our way to Tuross via Maria's parents.         

Wed 10-Mar-10 (Vacation day #5)

Seven (7) weeks since Maria went to be with the Lord. Seems so much longer to me.

3:10am. Screen door of cabin 21 suddenly banging. Also noticed car interior light on. Cannot find our car keys. Really strong winds may be cause. Going to investigate. I love Ben and Gabi very much.

3:17am. Keys still in ignition. Interior light had also been turned on. Engine fortunately started. Praise God! Couple of roos feeding next to cabin. Didn't run off as I expected. Neighbour's door must have blown back closed. Checked it. Will I fall asleep now? I only fell asleep just after 1:00am, but hadn't slept that well in the two short hours.

We had a lazy morning. In fact it was quite cool so I read to the kids in my bed. Ben has named a few of the Rainbow Lorikeets and seems to be able to recognise them. Played minigolf. Ben won this time (I won the previous game) and Gabi again scored the most hole-in-ones with 4. We went in the paddle boats and had a fight with the reeds at one point, but recovered a few golf balls to make up for the extra time it took us to get back. The kids have been better with helping on the clean-up front. More tennis and swimming this afternoon. 

Made a popular spaghetti bolognese while we watched Treasure Island. Had a brief Bible Study before bed. As Gabi had opened up earlier in the day about her anger at God for taking their Mummy from them, i opened this for discussion  Ben shared his anger  How do you argue or play it down? You don't, especially when I experience the same reality. I spoke with them about the importance to talk to God the Father about how you feel. I expect the same when it comes to me as their father. Also told them I have these types of struggles and it's my faith I hold onto, even though we don't see the perfection in this part of His plan. Also told them that part of Maria's no more pain and suffering is that she doesn't live in time so when we next see her it would have been like a second to her. That vision is one of those intensely bright stars seen when walking through the darkness. In fact it tends to stand out that much more in pitch blackness. 

I told the kids that i love them so much and they are the most precious things to me on Earth and I am amazed at how they are coping, considering. 

Tue 9-Mar-10 (Vacation day #4)

Ongoing ritual of feeding birds in the morning. Kids loving it. Gabi dropped our camera, which Maria bought before we went to Israel. Seems lens mechanism is broken. Will have to rely on phone camera for remainder of holiday. Went to hit golf balls into water. Ben pulled one of his molars out without any complaints. Took some photos of it and the blood.  Archery afterwards. Wheels started to fall off the three of us. I continue to struggle with not having control and losing my temper all too quickly. Went to Merimbula and bought Ben new cozzies. Had lunch and Woolies shopping. Spent afternoon in pool (lot of fun play fighting and just doing things together) and on tennis court with Ben, followed by BBQ. More relaxed evening. Read to them both and prayed. He gives me so many chances that I don't deserve. I have such a great group of friends that I've been able to call on. It makes a big difference. Lying in bed listening to music as I type this.   

Mon 8-Mar-10 (Vacation day #3)

Heavy rain all Sunday night but cleared before sunrise. Kids at each other. Me losing temper and authority as a parent. I don't seem to have the maturity, attitude or willingness to cope at present. Kids enjoying feeding birds and having them in their hands. Loneliness at night so real. Not having Maria around for the day-to-day holiday activities is tough. Feel I don't get any real break. Don't know how to get the kids to open up. Gabi occasionally mentions missing Maria, usually before bed. Need the Lord's wisdom and guidance. Need the energy to get through each day. Continuing with the book tonight. Getting into it, but might give it a night's rest tomorrow.

Sun 7-Mar-10 (Vacation day #2)

Another day of fights. Went to the beach in town. Got really windy so we headed back to cabin. Rained a little. When sun broke through again we headed to Tennis courts (something Ben is enjoying) and the pool (almost impossible to get Gabi out). Played some yahtzee individually with them while the other showered. Dined @ McDonalds, followed by icecreams at the parlour with 40 flavours. Enjoying time with the birdlife and kangaroos, wallabies and potaroos around. Starting to read "A Grace Disguised" by Jerry Sittser. Heavy, but so relevant and parallels some of what I have, and continue to experience.    

Sat 6-Mar-10 (Vacation day #1)

Yesterday afternoon we left Canberra in torrential rain. It followed us all the way down. We had dinner with Maria's parents. Arrived at Mandeni around 9:00pm. Unpacked and into bed late.

Today was a busy day. Hot and humid. Played tennis. Picked up mountain bikes. Golf chipping into water - Ben hit barrel and won lollypop. Lots of birds and wildlife around. Time in pool. Long weekend so a lot of families around. Late lunch in Merimbula on waterfront. Saw Jim and Jenny Coats (dear friends, we worshipped with them before Israel and Jenny was Ben's teacher last year). Went for a long bike ride in the afternoon. A lot of interpersonal conflict involving the three of us. All exhausted by the end of the evening.   

Fri 5-Mar-10 (Confirmation of appointment)

I am about to collect the kids from school and head off for our holiday.

I just received an email from our HR area to let me know that my new role/placement has been approved. I will be managing a small team of people in what I see as an exciting area of our organisation. I have touched bases with my colleagues and am looking forward to the fresh start on the 29th.

Thanks for those who have been in prayer with me over this issue.

Thu 4-Mar-10 (Job, Parent/teacher interviews, Dinner)

I had a face-to-face meeting at work today to receive the offer to work in the position I outlined last night. My future boss and I had a long conversation about all aspects of the position, some changes recently made and the way ahead. I accepted the offer (I had already  spent some time speaking via phone with the person formally in the position). As our HR area needs to approve the move, I can't say much more about it until it is signed off. What I can confirm is whereever I end up working, my first day back will be Monday, 29-Mar-10.

I had interviews with Ben and Gabi's teachers today, which went very well.

We headed to the other side of town for dinner with friends of Maria's parents and their daughter-in-law (their son passed away a few years ago), all who we've known for some years. Ben, Gabi and I enjoyed the Greek food prepared for the night (the kids ate like I have never fed them!). It meant the kids were late to bed.

Although it's only 11pm, I'm off to bed as we will be up early to start packing for our trip. I'll finalise the packing after dropping off the kids, but won't have a great deal of time as I will leave home before lunch to collect them from school and head straight off.

Won't be blogging over the next week. Will have email and phone access via my mobile. Just not sure what type of service we'll have where we're going.

Education account for Ben & Gabi

At the time of Maria's passing I had quite a few enquiries from friends here and overseas regarding whether I had considered establishing an education fund/account for Ben and Gabi.

I visited the bank today and opened an account specifically for this purpose. If anyone is still interested in contributing (please don't any compulsion to do so) then please feel free to email me for the account details as I don't want to publish the information into the ether.

If you have misplaced my email address, there is a link on the right side-bar of this blog.

Thanks for those of you who raised the issue as it is a mechanism for me to regularly contribute so there are funds set aside for the kids' education alone.

Coffee discipline, upcoming holiday

Many will be happy to read that albeit the coffee machine is now operational at home, I have limited myself to 1-2 cups per day. Yesterday it was only one. I took Ben out for afternoon tea today and abstained from consuming anything (but water) as I knew I'd have a coffee at small group this evening.

As we haven't had a holiday since December 2008 (our trip to Germany) we are all feeling the effects of a year that involved many changes, such as: Maria's diagnosis and treatment in Israel; packing home in Israel and the kids leaving school; a new school environment (Ben came back to the year below and it was Gabi's first school experience in Australia); a "new" home for the kids (Gabi especially had forgotten much about our home; unpacking and settling back into a different pace/environment; Maria's passing; and learning to live life as a family of three.

Consequently I've arranged to take the kids out of school starting this Friday afternoon for a week. We are heading to a lovely spot on the South Coast (even further south of Maria's parents). At the end of the week's holiday we'll head back up the coast towards home, where we'll stay with Effie/Brian/kids and another family (Ben and Gabi know their kids, so it should work out well). We'll be away for nine days in total. We'll see Maria's parents on the way down and as we head back up to meet with Ef & Brian.

Considering the topics of coffee and our upcoming break, I am assuming there won't be real coffee int he cabins where we're staying (I'll have to suss out the cafes in the area). It may be a positive experience all round. I know Gabi will especially be over the moon if I can't get access to coffee.

Wed 3-Mar-10 (laptop, work visit and placement offer)

It was Ben's school swimming carnival today. He wasn't keen to go, so he had a "mental health day" at home.

I was advised that the hard drive on my laptop is not functional and they cannot extract any information from it. I spoke with a colleague at work who put me onto a very good data recovery company. I've touched bases to see what is involved, including cost. It won't be cheap, but if they are successful then I don't care. The next step is to take possession of the drive (Apple won't replace it until they have the redundant one returned) and ship it to Sydney. I'll try and get to that tomorrow.

During the morning Ben stayed with his best mate (and Mum) as I had to go into work. I took the boys after finishing my work appointments. Ben and I had some boys' time before I collected Gabi from school.

The main purpose of my visit to work was to meet with one of the staff counsellors. However, last night I was still thinking and praying through the limited choices of placements at work I had been given so I emailed a colleague to see whether I could meet with him to discuss whether there was any capacity for me in his area. He was overseas, so he kindly forwarded my email to his Head (who I discovered was the officer responsible for nominating me for the award I received on Australia Day). He called this morning and said he'd like to see me before my meeting with the counsellor. I quickly SMS'd a small group of friends seeking prayer for "doors to be opened/closed".

Unfortunately this area of interest is overstaffed at present, but he wanted to express his interest in using my services in the future. That was very humbling. I was relaxed (not disappointed) about the outcome as I knew a prayer had been answered, i.e. "a door had been closed".

On the way to meet with the counsellor I was introduced to one of the new HR managers (I'm under his area of responsibility) for the first time as he had recently returned from overseas. He told me that an exciting position had just become available (due to someone being posted), which was to be advertised this afternoon. However, if I was interested then he would make contact with the relevant staff to see what their views were. "A new door opened?"

A couple of hours later I received a call from a colleague who happened to have been one of my overseas counterparts before he was promoted back to Canberra in the middle of last year. I also had the pleasure of travelling with him to Europe in 2004 for work. He is now in charge of the area in question. He offered me the position and discussed it at some length. They were keen for a response in the next 24hrs so they could advertise/ head-hunt should I decline. I have to admit that managing the unit in question sounds exciting. The work will be challenging, yet there is built in flexibility to suit my current situation.

Having been out of the workplace for a year (having focused on Maria and learning about her illness, mgt of it, etc.) has meant that I feel very anxious about my return –– it's like I'm entering into the workplace for the first time. I pray that where-ever I end up, I can settle in quickly and fulfil the role to expectations.

I will keep praying through the night and write again some time tomorrow to let you know of my decision.

A blessing from Israel

This afternoon a package arrived from Israel. It had been sent by two dear friends (locals) whose families we were close to through the kids' school.

I was overwhelmed to find two framed certificates (see below - had to photograph them as I didn't want to remove them from their frames to scan). They planted five trees in the Hills of Jerusalem for Maria and another five for us.

Given that Israel had a very special place in our hearts because of our experiences both pre- and post- Maria's illness, we now feel an ever closer connection to the Holy Land. It is something the kids were impressed by and we look forward to seeing the area when we return for a visit.

Thank you "Gani" and "Federmann" families.

Mon 1-Mar-10 (1st day of Autumn, a few things to report)

Kalo Mina (i.e. Have a good month ahead).

I got the kids to school a little earlier today as I needed to meet with Ben's teacher to let him know that I was accepting the role of "Class Parent", which I had been asked on Friday to pray about. After careful consideration I agreed. Fortunately there is flexibility in the role and Ben's teacher is relaxed about how much/little I can do. I wrote a letter to all parents/carers as an introduction, to let them know how I can help them (i.e. pastoral care for families and teacher, point of liaison, organising meals in certain circumstances), and to try and enlist some help with organising activities. I'm looking forward to being involved with his class, and being actively involved in Gabi's future excursions. I would appreciate prayer over the "Class Parent" role, especially for some class parents to come on board to lighten some of the load.

Further to last night's entry, Apple was unable to resolve my laptop issue. I had to take it out to an authorised repairer. Unfortunately during the time I was out, a courier came to return my coffee machine (it turns out the steam wand pump was faulty). In the morning I need to return to the same area where I dropped off the laptop to collect the coffee machine.

Tomorrow I am also meeting with a financial adviser to discuss how to best manage our family's future from a financial perspective. Hopefully she'll have some suggestions for the coming months as I plan to work on a part-time basis.

The kids received their interim reports today. I was amazed at their results, especially Ben who was given the top rating in all 10 areas of learning (never has he got even close to that in the past). Gabi was "..so proud of my big brother." Ben humbly said that he thought he was favourably rated in a couple of areas. That is certainly a sign of maturity on his part.

We had dinner at a dear friend's house, which turned into an early evening cricket match. It was fun for all involved.

See the next entry regarding a huge blessing from dear friends in Israel.

Sun 28-Feb-10 (Service for Maria)

As mentioned in a recent message, today was the 40-day service held for Maria at the Greek Orthodox Church in Queanbeyan.

For those who prayed over it, thanks. The Lord was present. The service itself went well and was nice. The kids were a little bored as they were unable to follow it. It was a blessing that a number of people travelled down from Sydney to be there.

We had coffee and some light food before Maria's parents, a friend of theirs (Donna), myself and the kids went over to the Cemetery with the priest for a brief time. On the way out I saw a friend from school who was visiting her husband who passed away a year or so ago. It was his birthday today and I had been praying over the weekend for Adelyn and her boys. We briefly chatted before heading to Woden for coffee. Ben saw his best mate and brothers there, while it gave Donna and I a chance to chat about our individual faiths. It was in many ways a time of encouraging each other and witnessing to those around us as we were engaged in quite passionate conversation for more than an hour that would have been heard by those around us, as well as Maria's parents having to tolerate it. It also allowed me to voice some of my views that I had mentioned in a previous entry on the subject of the Service.

Donna has a very interesting background, coming from the US with a Protestant background but coming to be Greek Orthodox (she's not Greek). Her husband will join her here later in the year and (all going well) it looks like he'll become a Greek Orthodox priest on the south coast.

The kids and I headed home while Mama, Baba and Donna made the long journey home.

The three of us had a relaxing afternoon before my new-ish laptop seized up, followed by Ben's bed breaking at bedtime. This caused some stress, moreso with the laptop as I had failed to back-up all of the documentation I had stored regarding Maria's funeral on it. I'm prayerful that the issue can be rectified by Apple tomorrow.

Sat 27-Feb-10 (Busy day, something deep to share)

I've just finished about 12 hours of work around the house and as it's approaching midnight, I am keen to get to bed. However, I've had a struggle on my heart and mind (which I've shared with a select few over recent days) that I needed to share more broadly now. Selfishly I'm hoping for greater prayer coverage as it's really getting me down.

But before I launch into that...apart from the work today, Gabi and I painted this morning (while Ben played with Lego) and in the afternoon I took them to the lake for afternoon tea and a walk. Otherwise, Ben and Gabi relaxed together for most of the day.

My greatest feat today in all of the work was to go right through my bedroom, which included sorting through all of Maria's clothes & shoes for: destruction, giving away (all boxed); and a small number of items put aside for Gabi. While being an emotional wreck over the last few days, I felt that was quite an achievement and in some ways a better time to do it while in the pit of despair (which I happened to paint this morning in my lack of artist ability style).

Although the last few days have been tough (and it hasn't felt like getting any easier) I know God is present as I have been wrestling with Him like Jacob did (book of Genesis).

Now to the struggle...
To put it into perspective, I'll quickly start by mentioning a book titled "Five Love Languages" (author - Gary Chapman). It was something we came across early in our Christian journey and was incorporated in the marriage ministry Maria and I were involved in up until we headed overseas.

For those of you without any previous knowledge of the book, the author has categorised our giving and receiving of love in five ways (i.e. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch). For some of us, one (or more) of the five are more important than the others. The author uses the analogy of a petrol tank (called the "love tank") whereby each time the person gives and receives (especially) love according to their language then their tank is filled. For Maria, "Quality Time" and "Acts of Service" happened to be hers "primary" languages (I'm sure most of you could have worked that out just by having known her). For me it also happens to be two, but they are different – i.e. "Physical Touch" and "Words of Affirmation" (the latter probably less so in the last couple of years). "Receiving Gifts" was way down the bottom of both of our lists.

To cut a long story short, for me, having "Physical Touch" as my primary love language is a real burden. Why? Because the other four languages can be given by others (i.e. not your partner). Albeit the kids give me physical affection, it is not the same as what a partner gives. Maria's 11 month battle with cancer prevented some aspects of physical touch that we were previously accustomed to. However, we were able to adjust by just  holding hands or hugging (actually I was getting a little used to "Quality Time" given the amount of hours we spent together, which I cherish beyond words). By having Maria here, even minimal physical touch at the worst of times kept my tank running.

I suppose my wrestle with God is over my inability at this stage to discern how having this primary love language is supposed to help me grow in my Christian journey when Maria is physically absent from my life. In other words, what is the purpose of me running on an empty tank? The Lord can, and has provided so much for which I'm grateful. However, the direct physical touch has not been one of those things. I'm sure He will reveal things over time, which may involve remoulding me so my primary love language changes.

Now you know my struggle, I'd appreciate your prayer for revelation and peace. Thanks in advance.

Greek Orthodox "Mnimosino" (Memorial Service) for Maria - my thoughtsughts

Warning: The following text may offend some readers. 

This Sunday (28-Feb-2010) there will be a 40-day service held for Maria at the Greek Orthodox Church in Queanbeyan. The service (in Greek "Mnimosino" or "Mnimosyno") means "calling to memory". It is where the congregation asks God to show mercy and forgive the sins of the deceased. From my reading of Greek Orthodox authors, this prayer is undertaken at memorial services to intercede in the granting of forgiveness, thereby providing rest to the soul of the deceased before the Last Judgement (i.e. Christ’s return), i.e. as the soul of the deceased is cast into either an ultimate state of blessedness or damnation.

My reading of the above is somewhat like the Catholic belief in the state of "purgatory".

The reason for the 40-day period is that according to Orthodox belief, Christ remained on Earth for forty days after His resurrection.

I am reluctantly attending this Service, but rather doing in respect for Maria's parents. Let me explain why the idea of the Service is so challenging for me...

Firstly, I agree biblically that there will be a Final Judgement and everyone who has left the World before us will also be the subject of this. As a Christian, I believe that God lives in and out of time, which is a concept difficult for us humans to always grasp because we are bound by time while on Earth. Whether the departed have already received their Judgement before God or it occurs simultaneously with us at the time of the Second Coming, it is not in my view relevant because we are talking about a state of timelessness. What IS RELEVANT TO ME IS THIS – because Maria accepted Jesus' free and precious gift of salvation, her belief in Him means that the moment after she breathed her last breath on Earth, she took her next (and first) in Heaven. From an Earthly perspective, that would be taking two consecutive normal breaths without realising whether or not there was a time-gap of any description.

If I've confused you with my ramble in the previous paragraph, let me be a little more direct and succinct on this subject. Simply, it has EVERYTHING to do with the decision we make while alive on Earth as to whether or not we accept Jesus Christ as our Saviour.

The whole idea that people can intercede after our death to push us over some imaginary line or out of some "state of purgatory", or even to think we can seek the forgiveness of the sins of others (what if they are not repentant?), in my humble view does not align with Scripture.


SIMPLY, you either believe or you don't. Only WE can make that personal decision, for OURSELVES. To give it a worldly analogy, I cannot force someone to be friends with a third party. The decision rests with the two people concerned. Getting back to my point, Jesus has already made the decision to accept us, but it takes two to tango, so what we need to do to fill our part of the bargain is enter the relationship through seeking forgiveness of sins OURSELVES, then do our best to repent from doing things in future that will fracture that relationship.

Therefore, when we die our pre-death decision means the consequences of our individual belief are also clear. Your decision gives you EITHER eternal life with the Lord OR eternal damnation in Hell.

I'm sorry if I've offended some of you reading this. To me this is a harsh reality that needs to be shared. Maria and I were always called to share the Good News of Christ in all circumstances with everyone, especially the ones we love (like our readers). I'm accountable to God and don't want to feel like I didn't follow this calling. The upcoming event caused me to research the subject of Mnimosino to better understand the rationale behind this Service, which drove me to write this.

My decision to commit my life to Jesus was based on His love, mercy and grace (as it was for Maria). While the whole idea of the alternative (i.e. not to believe and go to Hell) can be sobering, it was not a motivation for Maria and I to enter our own relationships with Him (otherwise it wouldn't be a real relationship based on love). The informed/careful decisions we both made nearly nine years ago were between us "individually", not because someone else forced it on us or any type of group pressure (actually it was probably the group/worldly pressures that keep me from following Him for so many years).

By now there may be some of you reading this with questions such as where my "authority" comes from to speak in such a way? I don't any authority per se and I won't for a moment pretend to be a Theologian. As a Christian who believes that the Bible is the one and only true and living God's word, I seek the answers there and am called to proclaim what I believe is the only Truth.

There is plenty of Scripture on this subject. A couple of passages jump out at me, which may help shed light on the reason why I believe it is too late for those who haven't made that personal decision to follow Christ while alive.

LUKE 16: 19-31
"There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'

"But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'

"He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'

"Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'

"'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'

"He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.'"

1 JOHN 5: 10-12
"Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his Son. And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life."

- - -
My offer to you
If anyone is serious about learning more about God, or taking that step to enter into a personal relationship, can I encourage you to seek out a Christian who you trust and talk it through with them.

Even though I'm experiencing my own "valleys" from day-to-day, I am always happy to sit down with anyone at any time of the day or night and share what my faith means to me and how it has helped us through this ongoing trial.

Favourite music

I just updated the website to now include my, Ben and Gabi's favourite artists. While they are all Christian groups/solo artists, their style is quite different to what those of you outside of this stream may expect. As you will see from Ben and Gabi's listening choices, I have influenced quite a bit. Click HERE to access relevant area of our website.

Thu 25-Feb-10 (1st surgery anniversary)

I'm sitting in a shopping mall car park typing this entry with a coffee in hand. I was on my way to the car when the date struck me and took me back to Israel when Maria had her MRI and was told immediately afterwards that they wanted to operate ASAP.

I will never forget how radiant and at peace Maria was. That favourite shot of mine that is my phone's wallpaper (see below). I'm still blown away when I recall that I had a 1MP camera at the time and the room was quite dark. The photo was meant to come out.

I need to stop typing because of my emotional state. Thanks to those of you who, after all this time, take moments in your busy lives to continue to read our family blog.

I'll Believe for You - a friend's song

Tanya - a friend living in China has been working on putting together a CD over the next few months to sell as fundraising for her unsalaried youth work next year. She considers this track a "work in progress" as there is still work to do with new backing vocals, EQ-ing, less reverb, etc. This original version she wrote in 2007 is copyrighted.

To listen to the track, click this link, which will take you to it in our family website.

If you are interested in securing a copy of Tanya's CD when it is "refined", feel free to email me via the email links on this blog site or our family website.

In the meantime, click this link, sit back and enjoy. I have included the lyrics below (also kindly supplied by Tanya), which in some parts were significant for me at this time. Thanks Tanya for allowing me to post it.

I'll Believe For You

I know you’re tired, so exhausted

I know you’re tired, so exhausted And you can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel

Night’s gone on so long

You’ve forgotten what morning looks like 

I know this darkness hangs so heavy

And it feels like you can’t, can’t keep on going

But you’re not done

Just hold on, hold on to hope 

- - -

(Chorus)                            

I’m here with you

I’ll believe for you

I’ll hope for you

Pray for you

When you can’t lift your head

When you can’t even stand

Just let me believe for you 

- - -

I know this darkness hangs so heavy

And it feels like you can’t, can’t keep on going

But you’re not done

Just hold on, hold on to hope 

(Chorus x2)  

I’m so tired, I’m so exhausted

And I can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel

Night’s gone on so long

I’ve forgotten what morning looks like 

But you’re here with me

Could you believe for me

Hope for me

Pray for me

When I can’t lift my head

When I can’t even stand

I’ll let you believe for me 

(Chorus)