Sat 28-Aug-10 (Maria's 40th birthday)

We had a quiet morning. After a croissant breakfast we spent time making special birthday cards for Maria (see Ben's, Gabi's and mine). As you can see, the kids put in a big effort and wrote some brief, yet touching words.

We went for a drive, then had lunch followed by buying flowers and spending time at the Cemetery (photos). It was actually quite nice, finally being blessed with a beautiful day. We sat around the grave and chatted. The kids ran around playing (it was lovely to see they can enjoy themselves so much - it is a lovely location) while I sat with Maria and listened to "Sons of Korah".

Afterwards we went to the skatepark. That's when things went pear-shaped. I had fixed Gabi's scooter and put my iPhone in my pocket. She complained about it so I leaned over to check the problem and my phone fell and hit the ground. The bottom of the screen shattered, but is held in place by the anti-glare film the kids bought for my birthday. It still works!

You should never assume things, like "well as least it can't get worse", because it can. I was skating and Gabi called something and ran around the corner. As I looked up I hit a stone on the concrete and the board stopped, but I didn't. The good news was that I was wearing the helmet I bought on my birthday, which took some of the force (right side of head). The bad news was that I didn't have other padding so my right elbow, thigh and left hand also took the impact. After icing my elbow and hand, the elbow has improved a little (hopefully just end up with the grazing and some bruising). My left hand is quite swollen in a couple of spots on the palm. Typing has been manageable. My neck has been pretty bad all week from what I believe was last week's crash. It started to settle after commencing anti-inflammatories last night, but today's stack may have put me back to square one. I haven't hit the pain relief yet, but may need some to get through the night. Tomorrow morning I'll probably feel like a rugby forward the day after a big game.

Our dear friend Janelle travelled down to see us. It was great to see her––the first time since she married. We all had Indian for dinner while watching "The Pink Panther" (Steve Martin version). She will stay with friends tonight and will come to church with us, followed by a picnic.

Ben's sports future and how I fit in

I failed to mention that Ben finished his footy season last weekend. Due to inclement weather they didn't get to train in the last two weeks before their matches. They struggled all season against teams because of the lack of practice, but ironically they won both matches. Last week was 52-22, and the week before a ripper of a game where they pulled back a 27 point deficit in the final quarter to win by 7.

Ben actually started to really get into it and impress me. He took a couple of classic marks in the second-last game in particular. Ben's not sure about next year (no surprise as he can't seem to stick to anything for more than a year).

One thing he is getting into is spending time at skateparks. A work colleague/mate built him a skateboard but the poor weather has prevented them from getting together. Ben also bought a new expensive scooter and is spending more time on it. Gabi also bought a new scooter. I decided rather than sit around for 2+ hours at a time in the car that I'd get onto the skateboard and start to get used to it so I can do something productive with the kids. Not sure my body agrees with that choice at present.

A great mate has been chatting about buying longboards that we can use to skate around the lake with another dad. There are many jokes floating around from us about how we'd look and how we could use the time to share war stories about the days when our bodies coped with daring feats.

Mon 23-Aug-10 (two birthdays)

This morning my sister-in-law Cass gave birth to "Ingrid". It was an answer to our prayers because Ingrid is healthy. Gabi had an additional answer to prayer as she was so keen to have a younger female cousin after Mark and Cass started with two boys. We are blessed to have Ingrid as part of our family.

The less important news is that today also happens to be my birthday. I didn't share this for well wishes, but rather to say that I'm glad Ingrid is here to take the focus from me, as well as sharing how my day was and what the kids did for me.

I had a rough sleep (nothing unusual) due to a stack I had on the skateboard yesterday, which I think may have damaged my rotator cuff. That didn't stop me from kicking on yesterday and has given me more incentive in my time of taking on "new challenges" (thanks Janelle for pointing out it is not a "mid life crisis").

Gabi came in early and asking where the matches were as she needed them for school. I thought she's a bit young at 7 to be smoking behind the toilets (yes, I anticipated the true reason of her enquiry). The kids brought in a cake with candles lit and sang happy birthday. Gabi made the cake last night with a dear friend.

Gabi made me Vegemite toast (more Vegemite than toast). As I "enjoyed" it in front of her, I realised I needed to have cake to offset the salt overdose. The kids gave me lovely cards and a new screen protector for my phone, which is exactly what I've needed. I can see the screen better than I ever could previously (this is "anti glare" as opposed to the "reflective" one I bought). Wish I'd thought of this a few months ago.

They had a morning tea for me at work, which was nice. More food, just what I needed.

After school I took the kids to the Shopping Centre for afternoon tea. We tracked down a skate shop (had walked past it a million times and never noticed). We walked out with a pair of skate shoes each as well as a helmet for me (I keep on annoying the kids, so it was time to lead by example).

Before heading out to dinner another dear friend raced over with a cake she had made. The kids decorated it on the spot. Mel volunteered to make this an "annual tradition". Thought I'd record that so I don't forget. At dinner one of the teachers (also a friend) dropped in as she was having dinner next door. She had her camera for a family event, so was able to "snap" us as you can see below.

One of my birthday presents was the new Hillsong CD (A Beautiful Exchange). I was playing through it this morning and recognised a few tracks that were played at the Hillsong Men's Conference in Sydney last year (before this album was released). There was one track that we sang in real unison (15,000 of us). I wrote the lyrics of the chorus but couldn't find it. Then suddenly it appeared about a 1/3 of the way into the title track (see lyrics). The tears just started flowing as when we sang it in Sydney I had these visions of Maria (that was the first time I'd left Maria overnight since her diagnosis and just before the spread of the cancer to her spinal cord was identified). As I said it an email later this evening, it was pain as it brought back vivid memories of Maria and/or my emotions through the rollercoaster, but it's what I coined as "precious pain".

Thanks to those for the calls, SMSs, emails, cards and gifts. It was a great day because of Ingrid's birth and what the kids (and friends) have done for me. It is also mixed because Maria wasn't here to share it with us. Gabi expressed this at bed with a lot of tears. We were able to cry, talk and pray about it together.

Fri 20-Aug-10 (Month 7, upcoming birthday)

It's just after midnight, which means it is now the 20th––seven months since Maria went to be with the Lord. It is also eight days before Maria's 40th birthday, which will be the first she celebrates in heaven.

Up until a couple of days ago, things were going okay. All of a sudden things started to strike me, such as what would, in "normal" circumstances, have been the lead-up to a big party to celebrate Maria's 40th. My sleep has gone off-track and I'm sure it's affecting me in most areas of my life. I've had many flashbacks of the most difficult parts of our journey through Maria's illness and how she faced terminal illness and death with such courage and peace.

As I drove past the Cemetery on the way to work most days, I dropped in to visit Maria's grave site and was the most emotional I can remember for probably four months. I've so often heard that it isn't necessarily these key dates, but the lead-up to them. I'm feeling it enormously.

I should say at this point that we are okay. The kids get on each others' nerves every now and then (nothing different really) and I have moments where I lose my temper over the small, less important issues (also probably not too different from "before"). The way we "do" life is also so much different now. I feel Maria's absence (especially me) often. However, in the face of it all we continue to try and be joyful in all circumstances as a family unit. In His strength!

Gabi's new whiteboard - kids' art

Gabi wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves to act out the role regularly. She saved up and bought herself her own whiteboard, which she uses daily.

Both she and Ben have also used it for some art work they have been getting into. Here are some examples. The theme is Teddy's (Ben's favourite toy) band.

(L) Gabi's drawing - (R) Ben's drawing

Gabi's dance boots

Teddy's band

Teddy the drummer

DJ Dog (Gabi's toy)

Wütsi the guitarist

Elle the percussionist

Mon 9-Aug-10 (Health update - praise God!)

I received a call from my GP this evening to advise that the results of the tests undertaken were generally excellent. I was confident those conducted for my heart (ECG), auto-immune disease, prostate and stomach ulcers would be normal. What I was blown away by was that my my cholesterol was perfect (apparently both the good and bad were great) and sugars as well. Although they have been good in the past, having put on so much weight and somewhat slipping into some bad habits was a slight concern. However, I won't be complacent because of this positive outcome.

The only glitch was a slightly abnormal liver function count. An ultrasound was offered as a follow-up, but as it appears the count is similar to results over the past (many) years, I have declined for now.

My punctured finger remains sore and has bled a little during the day (probably from typing) but the wounds is otherwise closing nicely.

Thanks to those who genuinely prayed over the tests.

Sun 8-Aug-10 (Ed's 60th, summary, my health scare)

It has been nearly three weeks since I've blogged. The main reason for my absence has been the more than intense workload, which has taken up a lot of my days and nights. I also experienced a health scare, which I'll write more about a little further on.

There is so much that has happened over the past three weeks and I don't intend to re-live it. I'm just going to touch on the key points:

• It was Eddie's 60th birthday today in Sydney, with Margrit holding a surprise lunch. I had planned to head down, but some other things happened during the week, which made it impossible to achieve. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ED!!
• The kids went back to school for third term. Gabi has a new classroom and teacher. She seems to be settling ok with the changes.
• Ben has started to get a little more physically involved in his AFL. He was very impressive, winning the team's Player of the Match Award on the weekend. The down-side was that his team were thrashed 120-7.
• One of my work colleagues built a skateboard for Ben and he and his son started to teach Ben to skate. Unfortunately Ben has sustained some injuries trying different tricks at skateparks (which I'm becoming accustomed hanging around - I may be making my own purchase soon to get involved), mostly on his scooter as he only has had a single lesson on the board. He has sustained some injuries (because he thinks he's too cool to wear his padding, which he is now seeing the value in). He is currently carrying a pretty banged up knee from an accident yesterday, which also led to a very bloody nose and mouth. He has bounced back and worked through the pain today, but seizes up when he cools down at home. The icepacks have been getting a good workout.
• Both kids have caught different viruses and infections, but both are well at present.

Saturday (week ago) we were at home and Ben begged me to ride his skateboard. I was in the backyard doing so without a huge amount of effort when I felt this very sharp chest pain. I had to lay down and it slowly dissipated, but hung around. The pain radiated up into my shoulders too.

It was scary for me as it started to make me think about what would happen with the kids if I wasn't around. It also created fear in the kids and brought back a flood of memories of discussions we had had throughout Maria's illness. That is, they started asking all the hard questions such as what would happen if I needed an operation or died.

God had timed things well as a dear friend (who is a nurse) was coming over to collect some excess milk to pass on to another family so she was able to take my blood pressure and pulse. The BP was fine and I had an ectopic pulse, but as I don't normally take my pulse, it wasn't necessarily anything to worry about. I was able to follow up with the GP by SMS on Sunday and visit her on Monday. She felt even before we saw each other that there may be a few events occurring simultaneously, but didn't feel the heart was part of it. She sent me off for tests (ECG, bloods and a Helicobacter test) more to rule things out and as part of a thorough health check, which I haven't had for quite a while. My GP felt it could be more like Costochondritis with some unrelated indigestion or reflux. I was hoping for the results by the end of the week. Nothing came. Perhaps no news is good news???

I've had some massive lower back pain in the last few days and put it down to too much time in chairs at work or home (work on all fronts).

To add insult to injury, this morning while preparing breakfast I managed to pierce my finger to the bone with my sharpest knife. Although deep, fortunately it wasn't too wide so I was able to finally stemmed the bleeding and tape the wound shut to prevent a hospital visit. We then met up with dear friends and walked around the lake (while Ben, Gabi and their kids scootered/rode).

It's now over a week since the initial chest incident. I have some soreness in the chest around the sternum cartilage area, a bit of heartburn and a very tender finger, but nothing that has bothered me too much. I have felt quite stress-free (thanks to the very small group of people I consulted for prayer over this issue).