Sun 28-Feb-10 (Service for Maria)

As mentioned in a recent message, today was the 40-day service held for Maria at the Greek Orthodox Church in Queanbeyan.

For those who prayed over it, thanks. The Lord was present. The service itself went well and was nice. The kids were a little bored as they were unable to follow it. It was a blessing that a number of people travelled down from Sydney to be there.

We had coffee and some light food before Maria's parents, a friend of theirs (Donna), myself and the kids went over to the Cemetery with the priest for a brief time. On the way out I saw a friend from school who was visiting her husband who passed away a year or so ago. It was his birthday today and I had been praying over the weekend for Adelyn and her boys. We briefly chatted before heading to Woden for coffee. Ben saw his best mate and brothers there, while it gave Donna and I a chance to chat about our individual faiths. It was in many ways a time of encouraging each other and witnessing to those around us as we were engaged in quite passionate conversation for more than an hour that would have been heard by those around us, as well as Maria's parents having to tolerate it. It also allowed me to voice some of my views that I had mentioned in a previous entry on the subject of the Service.

Donna has a very interesting background, coming from the US with a Protestant background but coming to be Greek Orthodox (she's not Greek). Her husband will join her here later in the year and (all going well) it looks like he'll become a Greek Orthodox priest on the south coast.

The kids and I headed home while Mama, Baba and Donna made the long journey home.

The three of us had a relaxing afternoon before my new-ish laptop seized up, followed by Ben's bed breaking at bedtime. This caused some stress, moreso with the laptop as I had failed to back-up all of the documentation I had stored regarding Maria's funeral on it. I'm prayerful that the issue can be rectified by Apple tomorrow.

Sat 27-Feb-10 (Busy day, something deep to share)

I've just finished about 12 hours of work around the house and as it's approaching midnight, I am keen to get to bed. However, I've had a struggle on my heart and mind (which I've shared with a select few over recent days) that I needed to share more broadly now. Selfishly I'm hoping for greater prayer coverage as it's really getting me down.

But before I launch into that...apart from the work today, Gabi and I painted this morning (while Ben played with Lego) and in the afternoon I took them to the lake for afternoon tea and a walk. Otherwise, Ben and Gabi relaxed together for most of the day.

My greatest feat today in all of the work was to go right through my bedroom, which included sorting through all of Maria's clothes & shoes for: destruction, giving away (all boxed); and a small number of items put aside for Gabi. While being an emotional wreck over the last few days, I felt that was quite an achievement and in some ways a better time to do it while in the pit of despair (which I happened to paint this morning in my lack of artist ability style).

Although the last few days have been tough (and it hasn't felt like getting any easier) I know God is present as I have been wrestling with Him like Jacob did (book of Genesis).

Now to the struggle...
To put it into perspective, I'll quickly start by mentioning a book titled "Five Love Languages" (author - Gary Chapman). It was something we came across early in our Christian journey and was incorporated in the marriage ministry Maria and I were involved in up until we headed overseas.

For those of you without any previous knowledge of the book, the author has categorised our giving and receiving of love in five ways (i.e. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch). For some of us, one (or more) of the five are more important than the others. The author uses the analogy of a petrol tank (called the "love tank") whereby each time the person gives and receives (especially) love according to their language then their tank is filled. For Maria, "Quality Time" and "Acts of Service" happened to be hers "primary" languages (I'm sure most of you could have worked that out just by having known her). For me it also happens to be two, but they are different – i.e. "Physical Touch" and "Words of Affirmation" (the latter probably less so in the last couple of years). "Receiving Gifts" was way down the bottom of both of our lists.

To cut a long story short, for me, having "Physical Touch" as my primary love language is a real burden. Why? Because the other four languages can be given by others (i.e. not your partner). Albeit the kids give me physical affection, it is not the same as what a partner gives. Maria's 11 month battle with cancer prevented some aspects of physical touch that we were previously accustomed to. However, we were able to adjust by just  holding hands or hugging (actually I was getting a little used to "Quality Time" given the amount of hours we spent together, which I cherish beyond words). By having Maria here, even minimal physical touch at the worst of times kept my tank running.

I suppose my wrestle with God is over my inability at this stage to discern how having this primary love language is supposed to help me grow in my Christian journey when Maria is physically absent from my life. In other words, what is the purpose of me running on an empty tank? The Lord can, and has provided so much for which I'm grateful. However, the direct physical touch has not been one of those things. I'm sure He will reveal things over time, which may involve remoulding me so my primary love language changes.

Now you know my struggle, I'd appreciate your prayer for revelation and peace. Thanks in advance.

Greek Orthodox "Mnimosino" (Memorial Service) for Maria - my thoughtsughts

Warning: The following text may offend some readers. 

This Sunday (28-Feb-2010) there will be a 40-day service held for Maria at the Greek Orthodox Church in Queanbeyan. The service (in Greek "Mnimosino" or "Mnimosyno") means "calling to memory". It is where the congregation asks God to show mercy and forgive the sins of the deceased. From my reading of Greek Orthodox authors, this prayer is undertaken at memorial services to intercede in the granting of forgiveness, thereby providing rest to the soul of the deceased before the Last Judgement (i.e. Christ’s return), i.e. as the soul of the deceased is cast into either an ultimate state of blessedness or damnation.

My reading of the above is somewhat like the Catholic belief in the state of "purgatory".

The reason for the 40-day period is that according to Orthodox belief, Christ remained on Earth for forty days after His resurrection.

I am reluctantly attending this Service, but rather doing in respect for Maria's parents. Let me explain why the idea of the Service is so challenging for me...

Firstly, I agree biblically that there will be a Final Judgement and everyone who has left the World before us will also be the subject of this. As a Christian, I believe that God lives in and out of time, which is a concept difficult for us humans to always grasp because we are bound by time while on Earth. Whether the departed have already received their Judgement before God or it occurs simultaneously with us at the time of the Second Coming, it is not in my view relevant because we are talking about a state of timelessness. What IS RELEVANT TO ME IS THIS – because Maria accepted Jesus' free and precious gift of salvation, her belief in Him means that the moment after she breathed her last breath on Earth, she took her next (and first) in Heaven. From an Earthly perspective, that would be taking two consecutive normal breaths without realising whether or not there was a time-gap of any description.

If I've confused you with my ramble in the previous paragraph, let me be a little more direct and succinct on this subject. Simply, it has EVERYTHING to do with the decision we make while alive on Earth as to whether or not we accept Jesus Christ as our Saviour.

The whole idea that people can intercede after our death to push us over some imaginary line or out of some "state of purgatory", or even to think we can seek the forgiveness of the sins of others (what if they are not repentant?), in my humble view does not align with Scripture.


SIMPLY, you either believe or you don't. Only WE can make that personal decision, for OURSELVES. To give it a worldly analogy, I cannot force someone to be friends with a third party. The decision rests with the two people concerned. Getting back to my point, Jesus has already made the decision to accept us, but it takes two to tango, so what we need to do to fill our part of the bargain is enter the relationship through seeking forgiveness of sins OURSELVES, then do our best to repent from doing things in future that will fracture that relationship.

Therefore, when we die our pre-death decision means the consequences of our individual belief are also clear. Your decision gives you EITHER eternal life with the Lord OR eternal damnation in Hell.

I'm sorry if I've offended some of you reading this. To me this is a harsh reality that needs to be shared. Maria and I were always called to share the Good News of Christ in all circumstances with everyone, especially the ones we love (like our readers). I'm accountable to God and don't want to feel like I didn't follow this calling. The upcoming event caused me to research the subject of Mnimosino to better understand the rationale behind this Service, which drove me to write this.

My decision to commit my life to Jesus was based on His love, mercy and grace (as it was for Maria). While the whole idea of the alternative (i.e. not to believe and go to Hell) can be sobering, it was not a motivation for Maria and I to enter our own relationships with Him (otherwise it wouldn't be a real relationship based on love). The informed/careful decisions we both made nearly nine years ago were between us "individually", not because someone else forced it on us or any type of group pressure (actually it was probably the group/worldly pressures that keep me from following Him for so many years).

By now there may be some of you reading this with questions such as where my "authority" comes from to speak in such a way? I don't any authority per se and I won't for a moment pretend to be a Theologian. As a Christian who believes that the Bible is the one and only true and living God's word, I seek the answers there and am called to proclaim what I believe is the only Truth.

There is plenty of Scripture on this subject. A couple of passages jump out at me, which may help shed light on the reason why I believe it is too late for those who haven't made that personal decision to follow Christ while alive.

LUKE 16: 19-31
"There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man's table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.

"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham's side. The rich man also died and was buried. In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, 'Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.'

"But Abraham replied, 'Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been fixed, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.'

"He answered, 'Then I beg you, father, send Lazarus to my father's house, for I have five brothers. Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'

"Abraham replied, 'They have Moses and the Prophets; let them listen to them.'

"'No, father Abraham,' he said, 'but if someone from the dead goes to them, they will repent.'

"He said to him, 'If they do not listen to Moses and the Prophets, they will not be convinced even if someone rises from the dead.'"

1 JOHN 5: 10-12
"Anyone who believes in the Son of God has this testimony in his heart. Anyone who does not believe God has made him out to be a liar, because he has not believed the testimony God has given about his Son. And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life."

- - -
My offer to you
If anyone is serious about learning more about God, or taking that step to enter into a personal relationship, can I encourage you to seek out a Christian who you trust and talk it through with them.

Even though I'm experiencing my own "valleys" from day-to-day, I am always happy to sit down with anyone at any time of the day or night and share what my faith means to me and how it has helped us through this ongoing trial.

Favourite music

I just updated the website to now include my, Ben and Gabi's favourite artists. While they are all Christian groups/solo artists, their style is quite different to what those of you outside of this stream may expect. As you will see from Ben and Gabi's listening choices, I have influenced quite a bit. Click HERE to access relevant area of our website.

Thu 25-Feb-10 (1st surgery anniversary)

I'm sitting in a shopping mall car park typing this entry with a coffee in hand. I was on my way to the car when the date struck me and took me back to Israel when Maria had her MRI and was told immediately afterwards that they wanted to operate ASAP.

I will never forget how radiant and at peace Maria was. That favourite shot of mine that is my phone's wallpaper (see below). I'm still blown away when I recall that I had a 1MP camera at the time and the room was quite dark. The photo was meant to come out.

I need to stop typing because of my emotional state. Thanks to those of you who, after all this time, take moments in your busy lives to continue to read our family blog.

I'll Believe for You - a friend's song

Tanya - a friend living in China has been working on putting together a CD over the next few months to sell as fundraising for her unsalaried youth work next year. She considers this track a "work in progress" as there is still work to do with new backing vocals, EQ-ing, less reverb, etc. This original version she wrote in 2007 is copyrighted.

To listen to the track, click this link, which will take you to it in our family website.

If you are interested in securing a copy of Tanya's CD when it is "refined", feel free to email me via the email links on this blog site or our family website.

In the meantime, click this link, sit back and enjoy. I have included the lyrics below (also kindly supplied by Tanya), which in some parts were significant for me at this time. Thanks Tanya for allowing me to post it.

I'll Believe For You

I know you’re tired, so exhausted

I know you’re tired, so exhausted And you can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel

Night’s gone on so long

You’ve forgotten what morning looks like 

I know this darkness hangs so heavy

And it feels like you can’t, can’t keep on going

But you’re not done

Just hold on, hold on to hope 

- - -

(Chorus)                            

I’m here with you

I’ll believe for you

I’ll hope for you

Pray for you

When you can’t lift your head

When you can’t even stand

Just let me believe for you 

- - -

I know this darkness hangs so heavy

And it feels like you can’t, can’t keep on going

But you’re not done

Just hold on, hold on to hope 

(Chorus x2)  

I’m so tired, I’m so exhausted

And I can’t see the light at the end of this tunnel

Night’s gone on so long

I’ve forgotten what morning looks like 

But you’re here with me

Could you believe for me

Hope for me

Pray for me

When I can’t lift my head

When I can’t even stand

I’ll let you believe for me 

(Chorus)                            

Wed 24-Feb-10 (Two car accidents in less than 24hrs, last night's sleep)

It wasn't until the second accident today that I realised the damage caused yesterday during the first. Perhaps I should explain.

Today I dropped the kids off earlier so a mate and I could catch up for coffee. We had just chatted in the car park and went to our respective vehicles to head to the nearby cafe. As I was reversing out of my spot, I did not realise that one of the mums had decided to take a shortcut and drive the wrong way to get to a spot before the law-abiding drivers. As I reversed out watching over my shoulder to where all the vehicles were legally travelling, she started to beep her horn. Unfortunately as it was coming from the opposite side and sounded distant (as well as the fact that I could see all cars travelling in the correct direction) I didn't realise it was meant for me and I backed into her at a slow pace. There was no damage to my car, but a small scratch on hers. We spoke and went out separate ways. Gary questioned me at the Cafe about the significant damage to my bumper (opposite side at rear), which he assumed was from this accident. I then realised this was from yesterday...

...after having lunch with Effie and Brian I went to collect some bar stools for the kitchen island bench. Upon reversing out of the spot, I recall colliding with a skip-bin. I didn't bother getting out as I was rushing to get to the kids in time. By the time I got to school (including the exhaustion I was feeling), I forgot all about it. It is a pretty good dent and scratches. Fortunately it is on the plastic bumper and may be as simple as having it bashed back out (when I'm up to it).

I went to bed at 10:30pm, which was an amazing feat in itself. The problem was that Ben was sharing the bed with me and chose to sleep sideways for most of the night. This combined with a whole lot of vivid dreams about my American friends from Israel ensured my sleep was once again quite broken.

Gabi's in bed with me tonight. I'll again aim for an early one, with the hope that she is a little more vertical than Ben was.

Australia Day photo

Yesterday while at work I was to collect the professional photos taken at the Australia Day Awards (day after Maria's funeral). Unfortunately the colleague in question was off sick.

I received a package in the mail today containing copies of the Department's News magazine with the following photo on its front page. It also had an A4 print of the photo. As the magazine is not for distribution outside the Department, I have included just a copy of the photo itself. It was a special time–yet surreal not having Maria there. The kids are so photogenic, just like their mum.

Tue 23-Feb-10 (hallucinations, sleep issues, coffee)

Last night was a terrible one. I tried to go to bed before midnight, but didn't fall asleep until 2:30am after experiencing awake hallucinations, followed by vivid strange dreams, which broke my sleep multiple times. The hallucinations seem to have followed on from a couple of incidents in front of the kids, which they claim they didn't see happen. Unfortunately they were right. I think the months (especially recent weeks) of only 2-3 hours of broken sleep is taking its toll. As someone shared earlier in the day, that is why sleep deprivation is so effective in the use of torture.

Today I was busy throughout the day. It helps to combat the loneliness, which is overwhelming at present. I am supposed to return to work next week, but will seek to take more long service leave while I continue to arrange things at home and look to taking the kids away for a week's holiday. None of us have had a holiday since Maria's onset of illness a year ago.

I had the chance to meet up with Effie and Brian for lunch while they were in town today. It was really nice to hang out with them.

By the time I got home with the kids and I sorted out afternoon tea, I could feel myself about to physically collapse. The kids did their homework and I went for a nap. I was to rest for 30 mins but after a couple of phone calls in the first 15 mins I could feel it wasn't going to be enough. I must have drifted off as the next thing I realised I woke to the alarm, but could not get out of bed. I slept another hour, after which I rushed around to get dinner for the kids so they would be in bed by their normal times.

My plan is to get into bed myself much earlier tonight. Ben is in with me tonight, so we'll see how that goes.

PS. I haven't heard anything on the progress of the repairs to my coffee machine, but the news (good to some) is that I'm surviving on only a coffee a day at present.

Video link mentioned yesterday...

...can be found at http://www.kaizik.com/journey/Videos.html

Sun 21-Feb-10 (Cemetery visit, BBQ)

We got McDonalds this morning, bought some flowers and went to the Cemetery on what was an absolutely perfect day. We hung out next to Maria's grave, while I read from the Bible about Heaven and listened to some of Maria's favourite music.

We were running late for church and the kids were emotional, so we all decided to have a break and head home.

I took a few photos (see below) and a video, which generated brief conversation about their first visit since the funeral. It was very touching for me. As I couldn't get the video to upload, I placed it on our family website. Unfortunately I am having a problem with publishing the website at present (a self-inflicted, non-related issue). I will publish the link when I sort the issue out.

Description of photos below
(1) Ben and Gabi at gravesite. During the week I need to go back to the Cemetery to organise the granite stone and plaque.

(2) Maria's gravesite from a distance, giving some perspective on the area.

(3) Gabi's photo of me with Maria's grave behind me. Didn't notice till later that Gabi's timing was perfect in that she snapped me at the moment I closed my eyes.

(4) Ben up in a 100 year-old tree.

Our neighbour drove by and she dropped in for a long chat, which was nice.

In the early evening we went over to dear friends' house for a BBQ. It was an opportunity to kick back and relax with them and another family at the end of what has been an emotional weekend. We got around 9:00pm, so it didn't take much for the kids to get into bed and crash out.

Sat 20-Feb-10 (Ethan update, "anniversaries", ongoing sleep problems)

We spent most of the day at Gabi's dear friend Rachel's birthday party in a beautiful park. The weather was gorgeous and everyone seemed to have a fun time.

In the afternoon we visited Ben's mate Matt's home to borrow some DVDs. Ethan seems to be doing okay from a pain perspective, but again your ongoing prayer is appreciated as there will be an X-ray and review next Thursday to see whether the manipulation was sufficient. The specialists apparently didn't appear too confident. Karen and Jason asked me to pass on their thanks for your prayers. They certainly felt a sense of peace, which carried them through a stressful wait in hospital. They are certainly not out of the woods, so thanks again in advance for your prayers over them all.

Today is one month since Maria went to be with the Lord. It doesn't get any easier as tomorrow is a year to the day when Maria fell ill, which led to her subsequent hospitalisation in Israel. It was also the day that we had attended a church meeting earlier in the day (again, this was our congregation in Israel) after being asked to be part of the core leadership team. For obvious reasons that never eventuated. Having to recount chronologies etc. on many occasions throughout the journey, many dates and events are indelibly burnt into my memory.

In the morning I will take the kids to the cemetery for breakfast before church.

Still having problems sleeping. Went to bed at 3:00am this morning, then struggled for the few hours I was in bed. I think it's a whole range of reasons, but I'm not stressed about it.

I have struggled only a little from coffee withdrawal. Yesterday afternoon I had headaches which couldn't been alleviated with pain relief, but a cafe coffee did the trick. Today I've avoided coffee completely and have been fine.

Thu 18-Feb-10 (Ethan update, Mark & Cass expecting, green tea!!)

Ethan arrives home late this afternoon and appeared to be doing well. In fact he had the strength to play the Wii. The next week is a critical time so I guess he'll be taking it nice and easy.

My sister-in-law Cass is pregnant! I eluded to good news last week, but could not divulge it until now. I am very excited for Mark & Cass, yet carry that sadness of not being able to share it with Maria and that she won't get to meet her future nephew/niece.

I am sitting here writing cards and notes with a pot of green tea! Why, you ask?? Well, this morning I discovered the pump for the steam wand was not working. It worked without a problem when I had my previous cup at 2:00am. A courier collected it this afternoon and it is to be shipped all the way to Nowra for repair. I have no idea how long it will be before it comes back. My brother Mark suggested I use my Bialetti in the meantime and my dear friend Kathryn loaned me a frothing device this afternoon. Believe it or not, it is now 9:30pm and I haven't had a coffee since my 2:00am dose! For those of you who know me well, that is some stint. No headaches.......yet.

Wed 17-Feb-10 (Ethan update, Gabi @ home)

We received news this morning that they were still waiting for surgery. When Ethan's time came, they made an assessment to manipulate and set it without operating. This appears to have been successful, but the next week is critical because if it doesn't stay in place then they will need to pin it. I understand he is now in some pain and discomfort.

Gabi woke complaining of a sore throat and tired body. She had similar symptoms yesterday after school. Even the thought of missing a piano lesson was not enough to get her to school. I kept her home and she seemed to improve dramatically throughout the day. It looks like it was a "mental health day" for her. I even got an hour-and-a-half of sleep in the afternoon before collecting Ben and his mate Matt.

Matt stayed on through the afternoon and had dinner with us. Jason collected him later and gave us the aforementioned update on Ethan. With everything happening, I decided to miss the first week of small group this evening.

Tue 16-Feb-10 (Ethan update, home)

We learned this morning that Ethan's surgery did not proceed as there were 20+ people in front of him. That is phenomenal, yet ridiculous at the same time. He may be called into surgery any time from as early as tomorrow morning. We are praying over that.

Ben and I went for a brief visit this afternoon. He was in good spirits and only taking Panadol for his pain, which is amazing considering the nature of his injury.

It was strange to be back at the hospital for the first time since Maria went to be with the Lord. I stopped in at Radiation Oncology to drop off a couple of thank-you cards and bumped into one of the nurses who was at the burial service. I also got to leave cards for Maria's Oncologist (who SMS'd me only the other day to see how we were) and her Neurosurgeon.

Vivienne and Kathryn did a huge amount of work helping me again with working on rooms in our home. Gabi's is now sorted and Ben's part-way through. Paul and Mel were over today helping in many ways also. Mel and I went shopping for a few essential items. About $400 later I think all has been resolved. I was joking with Mel that I will have a better appreciation if Paul ever calls her "high maintenance", having spent so much in only two hours in her company. Fortunately they both have a great sense of humour.

I was pleasantly surprised to see a note in Ben's diary that he had scored 100% in his maths tests on each day of last week. Ben was moved up to the top maths group as a result. There was also a notation that he had a wonderful first two weeks at school. While there is quite a bit of bickering between Ben and Gabi at home (testing my resolve in a big way), they both seem quite settled at school.

Gabi became very emotional at bed time, talking about how much she misses Maria. I laid in bed with her and found myself falling asleep before her, yet waking only a couple of hours later. I am finding the exhaustion is catching up with me, yet I'm still not quite there on the sleep front.

Ben and Gabi have asked to have a night each week sharing my bed with me. Today (Tuesday) is Ben's night and tomorrow will be Gabi's. Their allocated days coincide with their music lessons (clarinet and piano respectively) so it's not too difficult to remember. Hopefully I'll get sleep on these nights as they both are pretty good at using every inch of the mattress throughout the night.

Mon 15-Feb-10 (Prayer request for friends)About About

About 8:30pm local time this evening I received an SMS from Ben's best mates' parents (also dear friends) asking for prayer as their youngest boy, Ethan, was in severe pain with a suspected broken arm. They were on the way to hospital. No further information given.

After fervent prayer a short time ago (about 11:05pm) received a further message to say that both bones between the wrist and elbow were broken in Ethan's arm. They will operate first thing tomorrow morning.

I would be grateful for those out there to join me in prayer over a range of issues, such as:

• guidance for the surgeon's hand and a successful outcome;
• supernatural/natural healing;
• coping well with anaesthetic and surgery (esp. peace that surpasses all understanding);
• peace for Jason, Karen and their other boys (Matt & Josh)

Thanks.

Fri 12-Feb-10 (a harder week, help @ home, thank-you cards)

In the scheme of things last week was a pretty good one for the three of us as we all felt generally okay. However, this started to change last weekend with Ben having a slight meltdown on Saturday. Both their weeks seemed to start well. This all changed on Wednesday. That afternoon Ben reported negatively about his school day. After returning from a small group BBQ that same evening, Gabi was quite emotional and started crying. It was the first time she has cried because she "misses Mummy." They both settled on Thursday. However, for me it was a day of high emotion. I had to re-visit government agencies to change over childcare benefits (last week it was much easier), cancel Maria's driver's licence and remove her from Medicare (i.e. Australia's public health insurance). The licensing visit was especially hard as I'd just been to the other two places and was at the point of tears when the person serving me was a little abrupt at first introduction because she had just had a clash with a difficult client right before me. Anyway, I was able to sit at a cafe and reflect over coffee.

I am finding life very lonely. The kids are a huge blessing and they keep me going in many ways. It seems that I'm focused on all the things I would not have normally noticed, e.g. seeing couples together or with their own kids, or even mothers laughing with their own kids. I know there will be waves of these emotions (I'm crying as I type) so I'm not surprised. I have also endeavoured to ensure the three of us are completely open and transparent when it comes to how we are feeling. I have cried in front of them a few times, which I feel has been good as they see how much I miss Maria and it's allowed them to discuss their emotions more openly. This has not stopped my in any way from "being strong" as the leader of our household.

We have received a couple of bits of exciting news about others over the last couple of days, which has brought with it extremely mixed emotions, i.e. I'm really happy for them, but sad when projecting forward and realising that Maria won't be here to witness those special events.

It is nearly 12:45am (Sat 13th) and pouring rain outside, which appears to have settled in. I was planning to take the kids to the cemetery in the morning and to have breakfast at Maria's grave site. It looks like we might have to postpone.

Speaking of early hours of the morning, I tend to go to bed anywhere between 01:30am and 03:30am. I was hoping tonight would be different, but after doing a bit more cleaning up after the kids went to bed, I found myself driven to blog. Providing I get myself sorted, I could be in bed in the next 15 minutes (that would be 01:00am and my earliest sleep since Maria's funeral).

I have had help with sorting some parts of our home out (Wed & today). Thanks so much to Vivienne, Mel and Kathryn. That can bring emotions, particularly when coming across things of Maria's that bring back vivid memories. I think I've held it together pretty well on both occasions.

I have received a whole batch of thank-you cards that I've started to write. I have given half of the 250 cards to Maria's parents, while I write the other half. I am close to half-way through mine. I'll apologise in advance of anyone who I unintentionally miss over the next week or so as I get them out.

I will probably blog again this time next week unless something extraordinary happens between now and then, or I just build up the strength to do so.

Thu 4-Feb-10 (Memory box, 1st school week, help/offers)

I went to bed @ about 2am, but then spent a while longer reading through all the Memory box notes, cards, letters. It was emotional, but nice to do. For anyone who couldn't be at the service and would like to be included, please feel free (no compulsion) to email me any memories you have of Maria that impacted on you. It doesn't have to be tomorrow either as it will take me at least a number of weeks to compile them for the purpose of creating a book so I can give Ben and Gabi their own copies for their Memory boxes (that Maria started with them).

My Tante Anita (a very long-time family friend, who admittedly I haven't seen for some years) had her funeral service today in Sydney. I have been praying that it went as smoothly as possible.

The first week at school is drawing to an end. The kids seemed to have settled in well. I appreciate it's only the first week, but is a real blessing when you consider recent events. Ben even received a notation in his diary that he has been very focused all week. That really is impressive!

My dear friend Vivienne spent the latter half of the day here before school pick-ups, helping me sort some things out around the house. She also told me about the number of people who have contacted her in order to provide practical support where possible. We three are really appreciative of everyone's expression of love for our family.

Wed 3-Feb-10 (Gabi's 1st piano lesson, birthday, website, small group)

Still wide awake @ 12:30am. Fortunately I'm not stressed about it.

A private music teacher (who I hear is a gifted pianist) had generously made a place for Gabi at school for lessons. Gabi had her first piano lesson today. I was quite excited. Gabi said that it was a lot of fun and she has already learnt three basic short pieces. She has some homework and is keen to learn more.

Happy birthday to our niece Maggie as she enjoyed her first week of high school (photo of Maggie & Gabi in Jerusalem – 2008).

I have re-worked our website's home page as I wasn't happy with the previous layout. I also played a bit with the 'medical journey' page.

Earlier this evening we went to a BBQ with a "small group" of friends from church, who plan to meet each week. The kids will have plenty of company and I'm looking forward to getting back into some study.

Publishing of family website

Insomnia sometimes helps to focus on other after-hour projects. Over the last couple of nights I've given myself a self-taught crash-course in web design and publishing. The result is a family website in its infancy. I will further develop and populate it over time as I get more of a hang of what I'm doing and receive some additional material to include.

For those of you unable to attend the Thanksgiving Service, I have included a section that includes some items from the day, including: the music; text of the prayers, bible readings and eulogies; and the slideshow which I put together and had shown on the day. The slideshow is offline until I can work out how to upload it properly.

The site also has a direct link to our family blog, as well as summary of Maria's journey from a medical diagnosis and treatment perspective.

The website is www.kaizik.com

It's simple, but I hope you like it.

Practical assistance

We have been overwhelmed with offers of practical assistance, which has been a blessing. Our dear friend Vivienne and I sat down yesterday and spoke through where our practical needs may be at present. There are only a few things, but I gather some of our needs will probably change and may increase over time (?).

This entry is on behalf of Vivienne. For anyone wanting to be involved now or in the future (please don't feel obliged), please email or call me (Troy) and I will supply Vivienne's information. Like I said, please don't take this message to be a cry for help.

Something inspiring to share

When driving back from the Cemetery and was thinking in the car about how to continue the "witnessing" journey, but was feeling a bit flat. I received an email from a dear friend who asked people to read it as it was worth the read. I normally 'trash' those "pass on emails" but as I knew the sender, I thought it would be of value.

I had to share it as it inspired me in my journey (thanks Jo E.). I hope you get something from it too.

Text of email
You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer and him having 'wealth' from the book sales. This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren, 'Purpose Driven Life' author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California.

In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren, Rick said: People ask me, "what is the purpose of life"?


And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven.  One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body-- but not the end of me.


I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity..  We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.


Life is a series of problems:


Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.


This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay, getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore. Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life. No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for. You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems:


If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others. We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given
her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people.


You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.


So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, 2 Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72. First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit. We made no major purchases. Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church. Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick,
and educate the next generation. Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.


We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions, Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures, Guilt, Bitterness, Materialism? Or am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?


When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfil a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.


Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.

Tue 2-Feb-10 (Death Certificate, Funeral Directors, visit to the Cemetery)

I have now bumped into two people at school who didn't know about what had happened to Maria, as well as having received phone calls for her. That gets a bit hard. I expect more over the weeks/months.

Yesterday I received Maria's Death Certificate. Unfortunately the doctor at the Hospice made an error, so I contacted the registry of Births, Deaths and Marriages (BDM). They asked for an official letter from a doctor and to drop in to have it corrected.

Our GP Suzanne was fantastic and wrote a letter last night, which I collected this morning. I went to BDM and they were fantastic, making the changes with no fuss whatsoever.

I also had to visit the bank to sort out some matters, including the renaming of our account. It all still feels strange.

I dropped into the Funeral Directors to thank them and sort out their account. It's a blessing to tie off all of these loose ends. Toscan Dinn Funerals were excellent (Wally, Peter & Ian). I can recommend them without hesitation.

One the way home I dropped into the Cemetery. That was quite emotional. I'm actually looking forward to taking the kids there at least once a month for a picnic on the lawn. I also arranged for and paid for a plot next to Maria's. While you can have two internments in one grave, I felt it would be nicer to be by her side.

Mon 1-Feb-10 (Kalo Mina, first day @ school, my leave)

Kalo Mina - this is Greek for "Have a good month". It is always said on the first of the month, followed by ear pulling.

The first day at school was a great one for both Ben and Gabi. I'm so happy for them. They were initially reluctant t let me take a photo of them with my phone, but warmed to it as you can see.

Yesterday was a little hard being the first of the "firsts". I introduced myself to a couple of mums, who both happened to be new to the school. One has a daughter in Gabi's class and the other has two sons in Ben's and Gabi's classes.

In the afternoon Ben's best mate came home for a play date. A day without homework for a nice introduction for them.

I've just started to build a website, which I hope to have online soon. Just having some technical problems, being an absolute novice. The blog will be a page in that site, but can still also be accessed as you have to date.

I have commenced one month's Long Service Leave to get a routine going at home before probably negotiating a graduated return to work. Everyone from the Secretary downwards have been highly supportive and have assured me that my return will be on my terms and conditions.

I'm not sure how long I'll stay part-time as there are obvious issues to manage such as a mortgage, but the Lord has always provided for us up until now and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Sun 31-Jan-10 (church, lunch, swim)

After much prayer and discussion with the kids, we decided to make Lanyon Valley Anglican Church (LVAC) our home for now. We'll seek the Lord for guidance on this as time goes on.

After church we went for lunch with a number of families, who are also dear friends and attend LVAC. The kids spent a lot of time in the pool. There were a few red faces by the end of the day. I'm glad I didn't feel like the only neglectful parent! After the after families left, we hung out with Simon & Amanda, watching the cricket and chatting. It was a nice way to relax before the build-up to the first school day.

Sat 30-Jan-10 (day out)

We spent the first half of the day out purchasing stationery and other items for school. After lunch we headed over to dear friends and hung out with them for the rest of the day, with the kids in the pool for quite a bit of that time.

It was also Mark's (my brother) birthday. We spoke to him in the evening and I'm glad to hear he had a nice day.