In the scheme of things last week was a pretty good one for the three of us as we all felt generally okay. However, this started to change last weekend with Ben having a slight meltdown on Saturday. Both their weeks seemed to start well. This all changed on Wednesday. That afternoon Ben reported negatively about his school day. After returning from a small group BBQ that same evening, Gabi was quite emotional and started crying. It was the first time she has cried because she "misses Mummy." They both settled on Thursday. However, for me it was a day of high emotion. I had to re-visit government agencies to change over childcare benefits (last week it was much easier), cancel Maria's driver's licence and remove her from Medicare (i.e. Australia's public health insurance). The licensing visit was especially hard as I'd just been to the other two places and was at the point of tears when the person serving me was a little abrupt at first introduction because she had just had a clash with a difficult client right before me. Anyway, I was able to sit at a cafe and reflect over coffee.
I am finding life very lonely. The kids are a huge blessing and they keep me going in many ways. It seems that I'm focused on all the things I would not have normally noticed, e.g. seeing couples together or with their own kids, or even mothers laughing with their own kids. I know there will be waves of these emotions (I'm crying as I type) so I'm not surprised. I have also endeavoured to ensure the three of us are completely open and transparent when it comes to how we are feeling. I have cried in front of them a few times, which I feel has been good as they see how much I miss Maria and it's allowed them to discuss their emotions more openly. This has not stopped my in any way from "being strong" as the leader of our household.
We have received a couple of bits of exciting news about others over the last couple of days, which has brought with it extremely mixed emotions, i.e. I'm really happy for them, but sad when projecting forward and realising that Maria won't be here to witness those special events.
It is nearly 12:45am (Sat 13th) and pouring rain outside, which appears to have settled in. I was planning to take the kids to the cemetery in the morning and to have breakfast at Maria's grave site. It looks like we might have to postpone.
Speaking of early hours of the morning, I tend to go to bed anywhere between 01:30am and 03:30am. I was hoping tonight would be different, but after doing a bit more cleaning up after the kids went to bed, I found myself driven to blog. Providing I get myself sorted, I could be in bed in the next 15 minutes (that would be 01:00am and my earliest sleep since Maria's funeral).
I have had help with sorting some parts of our home out (Wed & today). Thanks so much to Vivienne, Mel and Kathryn. That can bring emotions, particularly when coming across things of Maria's that bring back vivid memories. I think I've held it together pretty well on both occasions.
I have received a whole batch of thank-you cards that I've started to write. I have given half of the 250 cards to Maria's parents, while I write the other half. I am close to half-way through mine. I'll apologise in advance of anyone who I unintentionally miss over the next week or so as I get them out.
I will probably blog again this time next week unless something extraordinary happens between now and then, or I just build up the strength to do so.
