I've just finished about 12 hours of work around the house and as it's approaching midnight, I am keen to get to bed. However, I've had a struggle on my heart and mind (which I've shared with a select few over recent days) that I needed to share more broadly now. Selfishly I'm hoping for greater prayer coverage as it's really getting me down.
But before I launch into that...apart from the work today, Gabi and I painted this morning (while Ben played with Lego) and in the afternoon I took them to the lake for afternoon tea and a walk. Otherwise, Ben and Gabi relaxed together for most of the day.
My greatest feat today in all of the work was to go right through my bedroom, which included sorting through all of Maria's clothes & shoes for: destruction, giving away (all boxed); and a small number of items put aside for Gabi. While being an emotional wreck over the last few days, I felt that was quite an achievement and in some ways a better time to do it while in the pit of despair (which I happened to paint this morning in my lack of artist ability style).
Although the last few days have been tough (and it hasn't felt like getting any easier) I know God is present as I have been wrestling with Him like Jacob did (book of Genesis).
Now to the struggle...
To put it into perspective, I'll quickly start by mentioning a book titled "Five Love Languages" (author - Gary Chapman). It was something we came across early in our Christian journey and was incorporated in the marriage ministry Maria and I were involved in up until we headed overseas.
For those of you without any previous knowledge of the book, the author has categorised our giving and receiving of love in five ways (i.e. Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch). For some of us, one (or more) of the five are more important than the others. The author uses the analogy of a petrol tank (called the "love tank") whereby each time the person gives and receives (especially) love according to their language then their tank is filled. For Maria, "Quality Time" and "Acts of Service" happened to be hers "primary" languages (I'm sure most of you could have worked that out just by having known her). For me it also happens to be two, but they are different – i.e. "Physical Touch" and "Words of Affirmation" (the latter probably less so in the last couple of years). "Receiving Gifts" was way down the bottom of both of our lists.
To cut a long story short, for me, having "Physical Touch" as my primary love language is a real burden. Why? Because the other four languages can be given by others (i.e. not your partner). Albeit the kids give me physical affection, it is not the same as what a partner gives. Maria's 11 month battle with cancer prevented some aspects of physical touch that we were previously accustomed to. However, we were able to adjust by just holding hands or hugging (actually I was getting a little used to "Quality Time" given the amount of hours we spent together, which I cherish beyond words). By having Maria here, even minimal physical touch at the worst of times kept my tank running.
I suppose my wrestle with God is over my inability at this stage to discern how having this primary love language is supposed to help me grow in my Christian journey when Maria is physically absent from my life. In other words, what is the purpose of me running on an empty tank? The Lord can, and has provided so much for which I'm grateful. However, the direct physical touch has not been one of those things. I'm sure He will reveal things over time, which may involve remoulding me so my primary love language changes.
Now you know my struggle, I'd appreciate your prayer for revelation and peace. Thanks in advance.
