After a day of grocery shopping, household chores, kids pick-ups and an early dinner, we headed off to small group. En route I collected a whole lot of clothes that had been generously ironed for us. It was such a huge blessing (thanks Justin & Kathryn).
While I was focused on the evening's topic and conversation throughout, during prayer time at the end all I could visualise was Maria's last hours, minutes and seconds on Earth (crammed all in the space of a minute or so). It's the first time I've had this experience. From an emotional level I found it challenging. I was actually too exhausted and conscious of avoiding being the centre of attention, so I didn't bother mentioning the incident. What it did do was trigger a deep burden of guilt in me. The guilt is not about January 20 as I was so grateful and honoured for having been present, but rather the vision directed my thoughts to the times I failed Maria from the beginning until the end of our relationship.
There is an old adage that "you never know what you've got until it's gone", or put more clearly, "you never realise what you truly have until it's gone". I always knew what I had in Maria and how special she was. Now she's no longer around, I realise there were probably too many times that I took her for granted. Where are these thoughts leading? Nowhere really...it's just my fingers pounding the keyboard as I ponder it all without too much analysis.
Please don't read my next comment as being arrogant as it's from the heart. I feel that in some ways I have become a much better and more sensitive person than I was a year ago (many may beg to differ). I feel like I am able to give and listen so much more now than I ever was before Maria's diagnosis, because I was so caught up in work (and probably myself also). During all this time she was so supportive, kept everything ticking over like clockwork (far simpler than my efforts), yet was a woman of amazing strength and character. I suppose it is the frustration of my own blindness that is annoying me, i.e. why did it take such an event for me to snap out of my selfishness.
I gave Maria every ounce of what I had over that last 11 months. Although emotionally and physically it felt like years squeezed into that short timeframe, it wasn't while she was healthy to be able to appreciate it as I suppose I feel she deserved. Before anyone gets the impression that things were not going well, I should qualify that our relationship was strong and we shared family responsibility and life together in a loving way.
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The dots (...) above represent two paragraphs I just deleted. I typed away while very deep in thought as I grappled with my emotions and God's purpose, but started not to make sense as it became a hotch-potch of raw sentences that I couldn't seem to piece together. Probably fatigue. I'll leave those thoughts on ice for now.
Another post midnight bedtime. I'm about to head to my room where Gabi is sleeping (it's her night to share the bed with me). I'll prayerful that she sleeps "still" and in the "normal" vertical direction.
