Mon 20-Sep-10 (Maria's "8 months", start Fiji holiday)

Eight (8) months since Maria passed away. Each month I experience a juxtaposition between having made it to another key date/milestone yet feel it is another lash of whip across an already badly scarred bad.

We woke at 5:00am to prepare for the 5:30am taxi pick-up. The check-in etc. all went quite smoothly. We were expecting for the flight to be basic in terms of viewing options, but were all pleasantly surprised with individual touch screens and options of games, movies, TV programs, music and even the ability to online chat between seats (Gabi and I engaged in this over the last half hour of the trip, albeit we were right next to each other).

The flight only took 3h17m (we arrived 30mins early), which the kids were a little disappointed about, but you wouldn't tell from this shot.

 After being greeted by Fijian music played live,

we entered the terminal and then lining up to get to Customs in the high heat (being blown around by the fans) and humidity we got through and were again greeted by people who gave us shell la-is. The kids thought this was magic as well as everyone waving and calling out “BULA!”.

The bus transported a group of us (all Aussies) going to four different resorts. About two-thirds of the way in we heard a tyre blow and upon inspection our thoughts were confirmed.

The driver (and another driver coming to assist) actually dealt with it in reasonable time. It was nice to have school buses of kids calling “Bula” out of the windows. The last time I was here was 20 years ago and not much seems to have changed, including their carefree and friendly attitudes.

Along the way you could see the poverty of some of the villages and dwellings, but this doesn’t seem to affect them. In fact the level of happiness and satisfaction could probably be more accurately measured against the “bling/stuff” we don’t have.

We arrived at the Resort, which in my rating of resorts (comparing with some other places we were blessed to visit) is probably a little lower on the scale, but the things to do and the pool with 15m slide is more than enough for the kids. They can’t stop commenting how awesome the holiday is and the friendliness of people.

After checking into our room, we got out of our long clothes and into swimmers. The kids were in the pool for quite a while before they had dinner.

As the kids “stay and eat free”, their dinner meal is 5:00-6:00pm so they can do other activities in the evening like watching a movie or playing table tennis. The adults meal time starts at 7:00pm, so it can be quite lonely. As I arranged an all-included package, I am wearing a fluoro green bracelet (like the ones given to hospital patients) that can’t be easily removed.

As the kids played in the pool I laid on one of the banana lounges and stared at the stars. I realised how far away they are and that I couldn’t reach any in my lifetime. I suddenly felt and pictured Maria in Heaven, which seems so much further away. That was quite an emotional thought. When I look at the families around and  the couples sharing responsibility for their kids (as Maria and I always did well together) it makes me feel claustrophobic. Another thing in all the things to work through.

The other thing I realised in all of this pondering is how I’ve separated myself from God a bit too far. I haven’t had a change in belief, but just find I don’t have the energy to do anything for me or the kids to further develop my faith. When I have the chance with the kids I just find a “cop out”. Hopefully there will be some rejuvenation from this trip.

Just to labour a bit more on the previous paragraph, Gabi has had some really emotional nights before bed, crying in her missing Maria. One night she looked at me and started crying (think I had just carried a basket of washing past her). She said that I am “the best Daddy in the world” and because of how I am and Maria was, “why would God do this and take Mummy away from us. It’s not fair.” We spoke and prayed about it. I have always been careful never to say God took Maria, but it’s not hard for them to join the dots. I have to say that drove me more into feeling the unfairness of it all, even though I try not to display such an attitude.

Getting back to the holiday, we are in one big room with a bathroom (shower and toilet), and interestingly a closed in outdoor shower and bath. Hopefully the photo explains that one a little better.

We crashed out after 10:00pm (as Fiji is 2 hours ahead of Australia, it was 8:00pm but had been a long day). I am sharing a bed with Gabi so I started drifting off at 11:00pm. All of a sudden I had a dream about a phone call when I realised it was the room phone. There was a kid at the other end who I think had dialed the wrong number.

Apart from a few clashes with the kids, the loneliness really hit me. I am trying to convince the kids to try the Kids Club, but they (particularly Gabi) are resisting. I think I’m in real need for some personal quiet time. We’ll see tomorrow goes.